Английский шутя (2).

Английские и американские анекдоты. (2 стр.книги)

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck’s former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

It is a ripoff!

A man went into a bar in a high rise (человек вошел в бар в приподнятом настроении). He saw another man take a pill (он видел, как другой принимает таблетку), take a drink (запивает), walk to the window (подходит к окну) and jump out (выпрыгивает). He flew around (покружил: «полетал вокруг» /to fly-flew-flown/) for a minute (с минуту) and zipped (молнией влетел: to zip — застегивать на молнию; промелькнуть) back into the bar.

As the amazed (пораженный) newcomer (вновь прибывший) watched (смотрел, наблюдал), the man repeated this (повторил это) twice more (еще дважды). Finally (в конце концов) the man asked (человек спросил) if he could have a pill (можно ли ему съесть пилюлю = таблетку). The flier (летун) said it was his last one (сказал, что у него есть, осталась одна последняя).

The man offered (предложил) five hundred dollars (500 долларов) to no avail (безрезультатно), so he made a final offer (он сделал последнее предложение) of a thousand dollars (1000 долларов). The man said that it was all he had on him (это все, что у него есть: «имеет при себе»).

The flier reluctantly gave in (неохотно уступил; to give in — уступать; сдаваться), took the cash (взял деньги), surrendered (уступил) the pill, and turned back to the bar (вернулся к барной стойке). The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death (только чтобы разбиться насмерть). The bartender walked over (приблизился) to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass (вытирая стакан), said, "You sure are mean (ты точно противный, злой = какой же ты противный) when you're drunk (когда ты пьян), Superman (Супермен)."

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

It is all I have on me.

You sure are mean when you're drunk!

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar (моряк встречает пирата в баре), and talk turns (и разговор заходит; to turn — свернуть, повернуть/ся/) to their adventures on the sea (об их приключениях в море). The seaman notes (замечает) that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch (что у пирата деревянная нога; peg — колышек; протез руки; «крюк»; и повязка на глазу).

The seaman asks (спрашивает), "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? (и как же ты заработал деревянную ногу: «как ты кончил с деревянной ногой»)"

The pirate replies (отвечает), "We were in a storm at sea (мы были в море во время шторма), and I was swept (меня смыло /to sweep-swept-swept — сносить, смывать (волной)/) overboard (за борт) into a school (косяк, стая) of sharks (акул). Just as my men were pulling me out (пока мои ребята меня вытаскивали), a shark bit my leg off (откусила мою ногу /to bite-bit-bitten — кусать/; to bite off — откусить)."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook? (а что случилось с рукой; дословно: а что о твоем протезе)"

"Well (ну)," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship (мы брали на абордаж вражеский корабль) and were battling the other sailors with swords (и сражались с теми моряками на саблях; sword — меч, шпага, сабля). One of (один из) the enemies cut my hand off (отрезал мою руку /to cut-cut-cut — резать/; to cut off — отрезать)."

"Incredible! (невероятно)" remarked (заметил) the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch? (а как ты получил повязку на глаз)"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye (чайка капнула мне в глаз; drop — капля; здесь: помет; /to fall-fell-fallen — падать/)," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? (ты потерял свой глаз из-за помета чайки /to lose-lost-lost/)" the sailor asked incredulously (недоверчиво).

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook (это был мой первый день с моим протезом)."

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook."

Incredible!

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours (человек уже пил в баре несколько часов) when he mentioned something about his girlfriend (когда он сказал что-то о своей девушке), being out in the car (которая была на улице в машине). The bartender (бармен), concerned (обеспокоенный) because it was so cold (потому что было так холодно), went to check on her (пошел проведать ее; to check — проверять). When he looked inside the car (когда он заглянул в машину), he saw the man's friend (он увидел друга того человека /to see-saw-seen/), Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another (целующимися). The bartender shook his head (он покачал головой /to shake-shook-shaken/) and walked back inside (и вернулся назад; inside — внутрь).

He told the drunk (он сказал пьяному /to tell-told-told/) that he thought it might be (могла бы быть) a good idea to check on his girlfriend (что он думает, что это была бы неплохая идея — проверить его девчонку). The fellow (парень) staggered outside to the car (шатаясь, пошел на улицу, к машине), saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing (увидел своего приятеля и свою девушку целующимися), then walked back into the bar laughing (и вернулся в бар, смеясь). "What's so funny? (что смешного)" the bartender asked (спросил).

"That stupid Dave! (этот тупой, дурак Дэйв)" the fellow chortled (хохотнул, фыркнул), "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me! (он настолько пьян, что думает, будто он - это я)"

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

It might be a good idea to check on your girlfriend.

What's so funny?

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot (человек заходит в бар и заказывает рюмашку). Then he looks into his shirt pocket (затем заглядывает в карман рубашки) and orders another shot (и заказывает еще выпивку). After he finishes (после того, как он выпивает; to finish — заканчивать), he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious (любопытный = заинтригован) and asks him (спрашивает его), "Every time (каждый раз) you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why? (почему, зачем)"

The man replies (отвечает), "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket (у меня в кармане фотография моей жены) and when she starts to look good, I go home (и когда она начинает хорошо выглядеть, я иду домой)."

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and askes him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

A man stumbles up (подходит, спотыкаясь) to the only other patron in a bar (к единственному, кроме него, клиенту в баре) and asks if he could buy him a drink (и спрашивает его, не мог бы он купить ему выпить).

"Why of course (почему бы нет)," comes the reply (следует ответ).

The first (первый) man then asks (спрашивает), "Where are you from? (откуда вы родом)"

"I'm from Ireland (я из Ирландии)," replies the second man (отвечает второй).

The first man responds (откликается), "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! (Что вы говорите! Я тоже из Ирландии) Let's have another round to Ireland (следующий бокал: "другую порцию, еще по кругу" за Ирландию)."

"I'm curious (интересно; curious — любопытный)," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from? (откуда /в Ирландии/ именно вы родом)"

"Dublin (Дублин)," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it (не могу в это поверить)," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course (конечно)," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes (любопытство снова зажигается) and the first man asks, "What school did you go to? (в какой школе вы учились; в какую школу вы ходили)"

"Saint Mary's (Девы Марии)," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62 (я выпустился в 1962)."

"This is unbelievable! (это невероятно; в это невозможно поверить)" the first man says. "I went (я ходил /to go-went-gone/) to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time (в этот момент; около того времени) in comes one of the regulars (входит один из постоянных посетителей) and sits down at the bar (и садится к барной стойке).

"What's been going on? (что происходит, что случилось: «что происходило»)" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much (ничего особенного)," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again (близнецы О'Кинли снова пьяны, опять напились)."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

You don't say.

I'm curious.

This is unbelievable!

What's been going on?

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas (жил однажды слепой человек, который решил поехать в Техас). When he arrived on the plane (когда он прибыл в самолет), he felt the seats and said (он потрогал сиденья /to feel-felt-felt — трогать, чувствовать, ощущать/ и сказал), "Wow, these seats are big! (эти сиденья большие)"

The person next to him answered (человек сзади него: «ближайший к нему» ответил), "Everything is big in Texas (в Техасе все большое)."

When he finally arrived in Texas (когда он, наконец, прибыл в Техас), he decided to visit a bar (он решил сходить в бар). Upon arriving in the bar (по приходе в бар), he ordered a beer (он заказал пиво) and got a mug placed between his hands (и ему в ладони поместили кружку). He exclaimed (воскликнул), "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied (ответил), "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers (после пары кружек пива), the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located (где находится, расположена уборная). The bartender replied, "Second door to the right (вторая дверь направо)." The blind man headed for the bathroom (направился), but accidentally tripped over (случайно споткнулся) and skipped (пропустил = прошел мимо) the second door. Instead, he entered the third door (вместо этого он вошел в третью дверь), which led to the swimming pool (которая вела к бассейну /to lead-led-led/), and fell into the pool by accident (и случайно упал в бассейн /to fall-fell-fallen/).

Scared to death (испугавшись до смерти), the blind man started shouting (начал кричать), "Don't flush, don't flush! (Не спускайте! Не спускайте!; to flush — смывать сильной струей воды)"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which led to the swimming pool, and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Second door to the right.

I am scared to death.

Tom had this problem (у Тома была эта =такая проблема) of getting up late in the morning ("вставания поздно" = что он поздно встает по утрам; to get up late — поздно вставать) and was always late for work (всегда опаздывал на работу). His boss was mad at him (его начальник злился на него) and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it (и угрожал его уволить, если он что-то с этим не сделает). So Tom went to his doctor (Том пошел к своему врачу /to go-went-gone/) who gave him a pill (тот дал ему пилюлю, таблетку /to give-gave-given/) and told him to take it (и сказал принять ее /to tell-told-told/) before he went to bed (перед тем, как он пойдет спать, перед сном). Tom slept well (Том хорошо спал /to sleep-slept-slept/) and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours (и действительно опередил утром будильник почти на два часа /to beat-beat-beaten — бить, побеждать/). He had a leisurely breakfast (он не спеша позавтракал: «у него был неспешный завтрак»; leisure — досуг) and drove cheerfully to work (и поехал бодро на работу /to drive-drove-driven — ехать, вести машину/).

"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked! (на самом деле сработала)"

"That's all fine (это все хорошо)," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday? (но где ты был вчера)"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

That's fine.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money (молодой человек спросил старого богатого человека, как тот сделал свои деньги).

The old guy (парень) fingered his worsted wool vest (дотронулся до своего жилета из камвольной ткани) and said (и сказал), "Well, son, it was 1932 (ну, сынок, это был 1932). The depth of the Great Depression (разгар Великой Депрессии; depth — глубина). I was down to my last nickel (я опустился, докатился до последнего пятицентовика).

I invested that nickel in an apple (я вложил этот пятицентовик в яблоко). I spent the entire day (я провел целый день /to spend-spent-spent — проводить (время)/) polishing the apple (полируя это яблоко) and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents (и в конце дня я продал яблоко за десять центов /to sell-sold-sold/).

The next morning (на следующее утро), I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm (в пять вечера) for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month (я продолжал в том же духе, придерживался этой системы около месяца), by the end of which (к концу которого) I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37 (я скопил богатство размером в $1.37)."

"And that's how you built an empire? (и так вы создали империю /to build-built-built — сооружать, строить/)" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no! (Что ты: «Небеса!»)" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars (потом умер отец моей жены и оставил нам 2 миллиона долларов /to leave-left-left/)."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Heavens!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes (полицейский допрашивал трех блондинок) who were training to become detectives (которые проходили подготовку, чтобы стать детективами). To test their skills (чтобы проверить их умение) in recognizing a suspect (в узнавании подозреваемого), he shows (он показывает) the first blonde a picture (фотографию) for 5 second (на 5 секунд) and then hides it (и затем прячет ее).

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? (это твой подозреваемый, как бы ты его узнала)"

The first blonde answers (отвечает), "That's easy (это легко), we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye! (мы его поймаем быстро, потому что у него только один глаз)"

The policeman says, "Well… uh… that's because the picture shows his PROFILE (ну… а… это потому что фотография показывает только его профиль)."

Slightly flustered (несколько обалдевший; to fluster — конфузить, сбивать с толку, нервировать) by this ridiculous response (от этого нелепого ответа), he flashes (показывает на одно мгновение; flash — вспышка; to flash — сверкнуть; мелькнуть; показать на мгновение) the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles (хихикает), flips her hair (встряхивает волосами) and says, "Ha! He'd be (его было бы) too easy (совсем: «слишком» просто) to catch (поймать) because he only has one ear! (ухо)"

The policeman angrily responds (злобно отвечает), "What's the matter with you two?? (что это с вами двумя) Of course (конечно) only one eye and one ear are SHOWING (видны) because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? (это лучший ответ, который вы способны дать)"

Extremely frustrated at this point (чрезвычайно = уже совсем расстроенный к этому моменту), he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice (очень раздраженным голосом) asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds (быстро добавляет), "…think hard (как следует: «крепко» подумай) before giving me a stupid answer (перед "даванием" мне глупого ответа, перед тем, как дашь глупый ответ)."

The blonde looks (глядит) at the picture intently (пристально) for a moment and says, "Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses (подозреваемый носит контактные линзы)."

The policeman is surprised (удивленный) and speechless (онемевший: «лишившийся речи»; speech — речь) because he doesn't know himself (он сам не знал) if the suspect wears contacts or not (носит подозреваемый линзы или нет).

"Well, that's an interesting (интересный) answer… wait here for a few minutes (подождите здесь несколько минут) while I check his file (пока я проверю его досье) and I'll get back to you on that (и вернусь к вам с этим вопросом)."

He leaves the room (он выходит из комнаты) and goes to his office (и идет в свой офис), checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face (и возвращается с лучезарной улыбкой на лице; beam — луч; to beam — излучать; сиять). "Wow! I can't believe it… it's TRUE! (я не могу в это поверить, это правда) The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses (действительно носит контактные линзы). Good work! (отличная работа) How were you able to make such an astute observation? (как вы смогли сделать столь проницательное наблюдение)"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses (он не может носить обычные очки) because he only has one eye and one ear (потому что у него только один глаз и одно ухо)."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well… uh… that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "…think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer… wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it… it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

What's the matter with you?

Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Wow! I can't believe it…

Good work!

A man was in a bar (человек был в баре). Hoping to strike up a conversation (надеясь завязать разговор) with a distinguished looking fellow (с важно, изысканно выглядящим человеком) sitting nearby (сидящим рядом), he said, "May I buy you a drink? (могу я купить вам выпивку = угостить вас)"

"No," said the man cooly (холодно), "Don't drink (не пью). Tried it once and I didn't like it (попрoбовал раз и не понравилось)."

"Would you like a cigar? (не желаете ли сигару)"

"No. Don't smoke (не курю). Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it."

"Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy? (не хотите присоединиться ко мне в карточной игре)"

"No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.

However (однако), my son will be dropping in after a bit (заглянет через некоторое время). Perhaps (может быть) he will join you."

The first man settled back in his chair (откинулся в своем кресле; to settle — усаживаться, устраиваться) and said, "Your only son, I presume? (ваш единственный сын, я полагаю)"

A man was in a bar. Hoping to strike up a conversation with a distinguished looking fellow sitting nearby, he said, "May I buy you a drink?"

"No," said the man coolly, "Don't drink. Tried it once and I didn't like it."

"Would you like a cigar?"

"No. Don't smoke. Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it."

"Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy?"

"No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.

However, my son will be dropping in after a bit. Perhaps he will join you."

The first man settled back in his chair and said, "Your only son, I presume?"

May I buy you a drink?

I tried it once and I didn't like it.

Would you like a cigar?

An industrial expert (специалист в /области/ индустрии) went around asking (ходил «вокруг», опрашивая) different people (разных людей), "What do you like best about your job? (что вам больше всего нравится в вашей работе)"

"The good pay (хорошая оплата)," one factory worker replied (один фабричный рабочий ответил).

"What do you like least about your job? (что вам меньше всего нравится в вашей работе)" asked the expert (спросил эксперт).

"The good pay," he said again (снова).

The expert was surprised (был удивлен). "What do you mean? (что вы имеете в виду) You like it the best and you like it the least? (вам нравится это больше всего и вам нравится это меньше всего)"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well (ну, она мне нравится, потому что приносит мне хорошие деньги: «платит мне хорошо»), so that's the good part (поэтому это хорошая часть = это плюс, достоинство). But if it didn't pay so well (но если бы она не «платила» так хорошо), I'd quit! (я бы ушел; to quit — оставлять, покидать; увольняться, бросать работу) That would be better! (это было бы лучше)"

An industrial expert went around asking different people, "What do you like best about your job?"

"The good pay," one factory worker replied.

"What do you like least about your job?" asked the expert.

"The good pay," he said again.

The expert was surprised. "What do you mean? You like it the best and you like it the least?"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part. But if it didn't pay so well, I'd quit! That would be better!"

What do you like best about your job?

What do you mean?

So that's the good part.

That would be better!

A newspaper was running a competition (газета проводила соревнование) to discover (чтобы выявить: «открыть») the most high principled (самого высокопринципиального), sober (здравомыслящего: «трезвого»), well-behaved (добропорядочного: to behave well — вести себя хорошо) citizen (гражданина [?s?t?zn]). Among the entries came one which read (среди заявок пришла одна /to come-came-come/, которая гласила: «читала» /to read [ri:d]-read [red]-read [red]/):

"I don't smoke (я не курю), touch intoxicants (не употребляю спиртные напитки; to touch — трогать, прикасаться) or gamble (не играю в азартные игры). I am faithful to my wife (я верен своей жене) and never look at another woman (и никогда не смотрю на другую женщину). I am hard working (я много работающий), quiet (спокойный) and obedient (послушный; obedient [??bi:dj?nt]). I never go to the movies or the theater (я никогда не хожу в кино или в театр), and I go to bed early (и ложусь спать: «иду в постель» рано) every night (каждый вечер) and rise with the dawn (и поднимаюсь с зарей). I attend chapel regularly every Sunday (посещаю церковь каждое воскресенье) without fail (обязательно: «без недостатка = без пропуска»; to fail — потерпеть неудачу; обманывать ожидания, не удаваться; недоставать, не хватать).

"I've been like this for the past three years (я был таким: «подобно этому» последние три года). But just wait until next spring (но подождите только до следующей весны), when they let me out of here! (когда они меня отсюда выпустят)"

A newspaper was running a competition to discover the most high principled, sober, well-behaved citizen. Among the entries came one which read:

"I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble. I am faithful to my wife and never look at another woman. I am hard working, quiet and obedient. I never go to the movies or the theater, and I go to bed early every night and rise with the dawn. I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.

"I've been like this for the past three years. But just wait until next spring, when they let me out of here!"

I never go to the movies.

Arriving for a visit (приехав в гости), the woman asked her small granddaughter (женщина спросила свою маленькую внучку), "Megan, how do you like your new baby brother? (Меган, как тебе нравится твой новый малыш-братик)"

"Oh, he's all right (он классный: «в порядке»)," the child shrugged (ребенок пожал /плечами/). "But there were a lot of things we needed worse (но было много вещей, в которых мы нуждались больше; worse — хуже)."

Arriving for a visit, the woman asked her small granddaughter, "Megan, how do you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."

Oh, he's all right.

But there were a lot of things we needed worse.

"Hello there (здорoво: «привет тут»)", said the vacuum cleaner salesman (продавец пылесоса; to clean — чистить; clean — чистый) to the little girl (маленькой девочке) who answered the door (которая открыла дверь; to answer — отвечать). "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? (не хотите ли купить пылесос) Watch this! (посмотри на это)" Pushing his way into the house (протиснувшись в дом: to push — толкать; way — путь), the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint (начал с того, что перевернул кучку пуха; to proceed — приняться, приступить; dump — свалка, груда хлама; to dump — сбрасывать, сваливать /мусор/; pile — куча, груда; lint — корпия) and coffee grounds onto the shag carpet (и кофейную гущу на ворсистый ковер).

"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up (если не вычистит эту грязь немедленно)," he boasted (похвастался) with a big smile (с широкой улыбкой), " why… («ну, тогда»…) I'll eat it right up (я это прямо возьму и съем)."

At this, the little girl turned and left the room (при этом девочка повернулась и вышла из комнаты /to leave-left-left — оставлять, покидать/).

"Where you going, kid? (куда ты идешь, малышка)" called the salesman (позвал продавец). "To find your mom? (найти свою маму, за мамой)"

"Nope (нет, не-а)," answered (ответила) the little girl from the doorway (из дверного проема = уже в дверях), "I'm getting a plate and a spoon… (я возьму тарелку и ложку, я иду за тарелкой и ложкой) 'cause we don't have any electricity! (потому что /because/ у нас вовсе нет электричества)"

"Hello there," said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl who answered the door. "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch this!" Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.

"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up," he boasted with a big smile, "why… I'll eat it right up."

At this, the little girl turned and left the room.

"Where you going, kid?" called the salesman. "To find your mom?"

"Nope," answered the little girl from the doorway, "I'm getting a plate and a spoon… 'cause we don't have any electricity!"

Watch this!

I'm getting a plate and a spoon.

A grade school teacher (учительница начальной школы) was asking students (спрашивала учеников) what their parents did for a living (что их родители делают для «проживания» = чем они зарабатывают на жизнь). "Tim, you be first (Тим, ты будь = будешь первым)," she said. "What does your mother do all day? (что твоя мама делает весь день = чем она занята)"

Tim stood up and proudly said (Тим поднялся и гордо сказал /to stand-stood-stood/), "She's a doctor (она доктор)."

"That's wonderful (это чудесно). How about you, Amie? (а у тебя, Эми)"

Amie shyly (застенчиво) stood up, scuffed her feet (повозила ногами) and said, "My father is a mailman (мой отец почтальон)."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father (а как насчет твоего отца), Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced (объявил; announce [??nauns]), "My daddy plays piano (мой папа играет на пианино) in a whorehouse (в борделе; whore — проститутка)."

The teacher was aghast (ошеломлена; aghast — пораженный ужасом, ошеломленный [???a:st]) and promptly (быстро, тут же) changed the subject to geography (переменила тему на географию). Later that day (позже в тот же день) she went to Billy's house and rang the bell (позвонила в звонок /to ring-rang-rung/).

Billy's father answered the door (открыл дверь; to answer — отвечать). The teacher explained (разъяснила, сообщила) what his son had said (что сказал его сын) and demanded an explanation (и потребовала объяснения).

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney (на самом деле я адвокат). How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? (как бы я объяснил это: «как могу я объяснить подобную вещь» семилетнему /ребенку/)"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.

Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

You be first!

How about you?

Answer the door, please!

The saleswoman (продавщица; to sale — продавать) watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror (наблюдала, как тинэйджер вертится перед зеркалом).

"I adore this dress! (я обожаю = мне очень нравится это платье)" bubbled the girl (пробормотала /восторженно/ девочка, вырвалось у девочки; bubble — пузырь; to bubble — пузыриться, кипеть; бить ключом). "It's absolutely perfect! (оно совершенно замечательное) I'll take it! (я его возьму)"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully (затем молоденькая покупательница остановилась, помолчала задумчиво), "But in case my mother likes it (но в том случае, если оно понравится моей маме), can I bring it back? (могу я его вернуть)"

The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.

"I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl. "It's absolutely perfect! I'll take it!"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother likes it, can I bring it back?"

I adore this dress!

I'll take it!

A guy from Georgia (парень из Джорджии) enrolled at Harvard (поступил в Гарвардский университет: to enroll — вносить в список, зачислять, записывать/ся/ [?n?r?ul]; roll — свиток, сверток; реестр, каталог) and on his first day (и в свой первый день) he was walking across the campus (он прогуливался по территории университета) and asked an upperclassman (и спросил старшекурсника), drawling heavily (сильно растягивая слова), "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at? (вы не могли бы мне сказать, где расположена библиотека /с предлогом at эта фраза звучит несколько просторечно/)"

The upperclassman responded (ответил), "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions (в Гарварде мы не заканчиваем предложения предлогами)."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then (ну тогда), could you tell me (не мог бы ты мне сказать) where the library is at, asshole? (придурок: asshole — задний проход: ass — задница + hole — дырка)"

A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day he was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"

The upperclassman responded, "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

The youngest son (младший сын) of a great Indian chief (великого индейского вождя) went to his father and asked (пришел к отцу и спросил), "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children? (как ты выбрал имена для своих троих детей)"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born (когда твой старший брат родился), the first sight I saw (первое, что я увидел: «первый вид, зрелище» /to see-saw-seen/) after the moment of his birth (после момента его рождения) was a bear running through the woods (был медведь, бегущий по лесу); so I named him running-bear (и так я назвал его Бегущий Медведь). The morning your sister was born (в то утро, когда твоя сестра была рождена), the first sight I saw was a beautiful star (прекрасная звезда), so I named her morning-star (Утренняя Звезда). But why do you ask me such a question (но почему ты задаешь мне такой вопрос), two-dogs-fucking? (Две-Трахающиеся-Собаки)"

The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked, "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children?"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-fucking?"

But why do you ask me such a question?

A black family went to the zoo (семья чернокожих пришла в зоопарк) and stopped in front of the cage with the elephant (и остановились перед клеткой со слоном). The young son (маленький сын) asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat (= that) elephant? (мама, что это за вещь, которая болтается у того слона)"

"That's his tail, son (это его хвост, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing! (это другая штука)"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son (о, это его хобот, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs! (между его ногами)"

"Uh, that's nothin' (= nothing — о, это ничего)," replies the mother.

Undaunted (не смутившись; to daunt — укрощать, устрашать; undaunted — неустрашимый), the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothing! (а я спросил маму, и она сказала, что это ничего, ерунда)"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman! (я избаловал эту женщину)"

A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing!"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Uh, that's nothin'," replies the mother.

Undaunted, the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'!"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman!"

I spoiled that woman!

A woman wanted a divorce (женщина хотела развода). She went to the courthouse (она пришла в суд; court — двор /короля/; суд) and appeared before the judge (и предстала: «появилась» перед судьей).

The judge reviewed her petition and asked (судья просмотрел ее прошение и спросил), "Do you have grounds? (у вас есть основания)"

The woman looked at him quizzically (пытливо, с недоумением; to quiz — смотреть насмешливо или с любопытством /уст./) and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor (ваша Честь), we do have about an acre and a half (у нас что-то около полутора акров: «акр и половина» /слово «ground» имеет несколько значений, здесь: 1) основание, повод 2) земля/)."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge? (я имею в виду, вы испытываете недовольство; to have a grudge against somebody — иметь «зуб» на кого-либо)"

The bewildered (сбитая с толку) woman replied, "No, we just have a carport (нет, у нас стоянка /слова grudge (недовольство) и garage (гараж) похожи по звучанию/)."

The judge was becoming frustrated (начал нервничать). "You're not getting the point (вы не понимаете смысла /вопроса/: «не получаете, не схватываете суть»)," he said. "Does he beat you up? (он с вами плохо обращается, бьет вас; to beat — бить; побеждать; to beat up — избивать, обходиться со зверской жестокостью)"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 (я встаю, уже на ногах в 6.30) and he doesn't get up until 7:00 (а он не поднимается до семи)."

The judge was exasperated (был рассержен, выведен из себя). He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? (послушайте, леди, зачем вы здесь) What reason do you have for wanting a divorce? (какая причина у вас есть, чтобы желать развода)"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem (потому что у моего мужа и у меня есть проблема с общением = мы плохо понимаем друг друга)."

A woman wanted a divorce. She went to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.

The judge reviewed her petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"

The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"

The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."

The judge was becoming frustrated. "You're not getting the point," he said. "Does he beat you up?"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until 7:00."

The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem."

You're not getting the point.

My dentist told me (мой зубной врач сказал мне /to tell-told-told/) he had good news and bad news (что у него есть хорошая новость и плохая).

I said, "Give me the bad news first (давайте плохую новость первой). Maybe (может быть) the good news will cheer me up (меня утешит, ободрит; to cheer — привествовать громкими возгласами; ободрять)."

"Well, you need a root canal (вам нужен «корневой канал»)," he started, "and complete lower bridgework (полный нижний мост). It's going to cost about $3,000 (это будет стоить около 3000$)."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed (воскликнул). "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed (улыбнулся; beam — луч; to beam — сиять; лучезарно улыбаться), "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday (что я загнал мяч в лунку вчера /hole-in-one — высший результат при игре в гольф/; hole — дырка /to shoot-shot-shot — стрелять; попадать/)."

My dentist told me he had good news and bad news.

I said, "Give me the bad news first. Maybe the good news will cheer me up."

"Well, you need a root canal," he started, "and complete lower bridgework. It's going to cost about $3,000."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed. "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed, "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday."

Mildred came back (вернулась) from her annual check up (после своего ежегодного осмотра; to check up — проверять) with her doctor (у врача) in an unusually good mood (в непривычно хорошем настроении; usual — обычный), and her husband (ее супруг) asked her what had made her day (спросил ее, что ее так обрадовало: «сделало ее день»).

Mildred said, "The doctor told me (доктор сказал мне) that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old (что у меня груди восемнадцатилетней)."

To which her husband responded (на что ее муж ответил), "What did he say about your forty-six-year-old ass? (а что он сказал о твоей сорокашестилетней заднице)"

Milly retorted (парировала), "He didn't say a word about you! (он не сказал ни слова о тебе)"

Mildred came back from her annual check up with her doctor in an unusually good mood, and her husband asked her what had made her day.

Mildred said, "The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

To which her husband responded, "What did he say about your forty-six year old ass?"

Milly retorted, "He didn't say a word about you!"

What has made your day?

The musician finally finished a new song (музыкант наконец закончил новую песню), but no one buys it (но никто не покупает ее). He was telling another musician about it (он рассказывал другому музыканту об этом), and the other guy said, "Let me hear it (дай мне ее послушать = сыграй-ка)".

The first guy went to the piano (подошел к фортепиано) and played a wonderful tune (и сыграл чудесную мелодию). When he finished (когда он закончил), the second (второй) guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see (я не понимаю: «не вижу») why no one buys it (почему ее никто не покупает). What do you call it? (как ты ее называешь = назвал)"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit (я люблю тебя так чертовски сильно: «много», что могу: «мне нужно, хочется» обкакаться; gotta = got to)."

The musician finally finished a new song, but no one buys it. He was telling another musician about it, and the other guy said, "Let me hear it".

The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished, the second guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy it. What do you call it?"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit."

Let me hear it.

I don't see why no one will buy it.

I love you so goddam much I gotta shit.

A crusty (угрюмый; crust — корка /хлеба/) old man (старик) walks into a bank (приходит в банк) and says to the teller at the window (кассирше в окошке), "I want to open (я хочу открыть) a damn checking account (чертов /чековый/ счет)."

The astonished (удивленная) woman replies, "I beg your pardon (прошу прощения), sir. I must have misunderstood you (должно быть, я вас не поняла: «неверно поняла»). What did you say? (что вы сказали)"

"Listen up, damn it (послушай, черт побери: «проклятье»; to damn it — проклясть это). I said I want to open a damn checking account now! (сейчас = сейчас же)"

"I'm very sorry (очень извиняюсь) sir, but that kind of language (но подобный язык: «такая разновидность языка») is not tolerated in this bank (недопустим: «не терпится» в этом банке)."

The teller leaves (кассир покидает) the window and goes over (проходит) to the bank manager to inform him of her situation (объяснить ему свою ситуацию). The manager agrees (соглашается) that the teller does not have to listen to foul language (не должна слушать непристойный язык; foul — грязный; непристойный).

They both return to the window (они оба возвращаются к окошку) and the manager asks the old geezer (менеджер спрашивает старого чудика), "Sir, what seems to be the problem here? (что за проблема здесь: «что кажется быть проблемой здесь»)"

"There is no damn problem (да никакой чертовой проблемы)," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks (просто я выиграл 50 миллионов баксов /to win-won-won/) in the damn lottery (в чертову лотерею) and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank (и я хочу открыть чертов счет в этом проклятом банке), okay?"

"I see (понимаю: «вижу»)," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time? (и эта сука вас достает: «дает вам трудное время»)"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.

I’m very sorry.

Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

Two retired banking colleagues (двое вышедших на пенсию банковских коллег), Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch (наслаждались несколькими бокалами мартини во время обеда) when John suddenly mused (когда Джон вдруг задумался), "You know, when I was thirty (знаешь, когда мне было тридцать), my erection was so hard (жесткой, твердой, крепкой) that I could grip it with both hands (что я мог захватить, сжать обеими руками) and not be able to bend it (и не был в состоянии нагнуть)."

Harry nodded in understanding (Гарри кивнул с пониманием).

John continued (продолжал), "When I was forty (когда мне было сорок), I could bend it ten degrees (мог отогнуть на десять градусов) with the greatest of effort (с сильнейшим напряжением). At fifty (в пятьдесят), I could bend it maybe twenty degrees (может быть, на двадцать градусов). And now that I'm past sixty (когда мне больше шестидесяти), I can bend it in half with one hand (наполовину, одной рукой)."

John paused to take a sip of his drink (умолк, чтобы отхлебнуть выпивки), and then (затем) said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get (Гарри, интересно, насколько сильнее я /еще/ стану).

Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and not be able to bend it."

Harry nodded in understanding.

John continued, "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees. And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."

John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."

I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get.

Some small-time crooks (несколько мелких плутов; crook — крюк; обманщик, плут) decided (решили) that people were so stupid (что люди так глупы) that they would accept 18 dollar bills (что они бы приняли 18-ти долларовые купюры) if somebody gave then any (если бы кто-нибудь им дал их /to give-gave-given/). So they carefully made some plates (они аккуратно сделали несколько клише) and printed some up (и напечатали несколько), and went to a small town to try them out (и поехали в маленький городок испробовать их). They got up to a shopkeeper (они подошли к владельцу магазина) and talked for a while (и поговорили немного), then casually said (потом небрежно, вскользь сказали), "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill? (скажи, ты можешь мне разменять 18-ти долларовый чек)"

"Sure (конечно)," said the old shopkeeper (сказал старый хозяин магазина). "What would you like (что ты предпочтешь: «что бы ты хотел»), three 6's or two 9's? (три /купюры/ по шесть или две по девять)"

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for a while, then casually said, "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?"

"Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

Say, can you give me change for a hundred dollar bill?

There was a position open (было свободное место) for an accountant (бухгалтера) at one large firm (в одной большой фирме). They got the applicants down to 3 people (они остановили выбор на трех претендентах: «сбавили, спустили /число/ претендентов до трех»). The president was going to interview each one separately (собрался побеседовать с каждым отдельно). He asked the first applicant in (он пригласил первого кандидата).

"I'm going to ask you just one question (я собираюсь задать вам только один вопрос)," says the president (сказал президент), "What's 2+2? (сколько будет два плюс два)"

Applicant #1 promptly answers (кандидат сразу, быстро отвечает) "Four (четыре)."

"Thank you, we will get back to you (благодарю вас, мы к вам вернемся = мы с вами свяжемся)," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in (второй входит), same question (тот же вопрос) "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question (думает, что это вопрос с подвохом), thinks a little bit and says "Five" (думает немного и говорит «пять»)."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong (это явно неправильно), don't call us, we'll call you (не звоните нам, мы вам /сами/ позвоним)."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around (оглядывается) as if he's looking for someone else in the room (как будто он ищет кого-то еще в комнате) and replies, "What would you like it to be? (а сколько бы вам хотелось, чтобы это было)"

The president exclaims (восклицает), "YOU'RE MY MAN! (вы мой человек = вот вы-то мне и нужны, вы мне подходите)"

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.

"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."

"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"

The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"

I'm going to ask you just one question.

Well, that's obviously wrong.

You’re my man!

A very elderly couple (очень пожилая пара) is having an elegant dinner (устраивает изысканный ужин) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary (отметить свою 75-юю годовщину свадьбы; to wed — выдавать замуж; вступать в брак). The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife (наклоняется вперед и говорит мягко своей жене), "Dear, there is something that I must ask you (дорогая, я должен тебя кое о чем спросить). It has always bothered me (меня всегда беспокоило) that our tenth child (что наш десятый ребенок) never quite looked like the rest of our children (никогда вполне не походил на остальных наших детей; rest — остаток, остальная часть). Now I want to assure you (сейчас я хочу заверить тебя) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience (что это 75 лет были самым замечательным опытом) I could have ever hoped for (на который я мог надеяться), and your answer cannot take all that away (и твой ответ не может все это разрушить; to take away — убрать).

But… I must know, did he have a different father? (но… я должен знать, у него другой отец; different — отличный, отличающийся)"

The wife drops her head (супруга роняет = опускает голову), unable to look her husband in the eye (будучи не в состоянии смотреть в глаза своему мужу; able — умелый; способный), she paused for a moment (она помолчала секунду) and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did (Да. Да, у него был /другой отец/)."

The old man is very shaken (очень потрясен; to shake — трясти), the reality of what his wife was admitting (реальность того, что признала его жена) hit him harder than he had expected (сделала ему больнее: «ударила его больше», чем он ожидал). With a tear in his eye he asks, (со слезой в глазу он спрашивает) "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (кто, кто это был, кто был отцом)"

Again, the old woman drops her head (снова старушка опускает голову), saying nothing at first (сначала не говоря ничего) as she tried to muster the courage (пока она пыталась набраться смелости; muster — сбор, смотр, перекличка; to muster — собирать/ся/) to tell the truth to her husband (чтобы сказать правду своему мужу). Then, finally, she says, (потом наконец она говорит) "You".

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.

But… I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who?… Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You".

Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

** LOST DOG (пропала собака: «пропавшая собака») **

3 legs (три лапы),

Blind in left eye (слепа на левый глаз),

Missing right ear (не хватает правого уха),

Tail broken (сломан хвост /to break-broke-broken/),

Recently castrated (недавно кастрирована),

Answers to the name of (откликается на кличку)

"LUCKY (Счастливчик)"

** LOST DOG **

3 legs,

Blind in left eye,

Missing right ear,

Tail broken,

Recently castrated,

Answers to the name of

"LUCKY"

Little girl asked her Mom (маленькая девочка спросила маму), "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk (мама, могу я повести собаку гулять: «взять на прогулку») around the block? (по кварталу: «вокруг квартала»)"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat (нет, потому что у собаки течка: heat - жар; жара)."

"What's that mean? (что это значит)" asked the child (спросило дитя).

"Go ask your Father (пойди спроси у отца). I think he's in the garage (думаю, он в гараже)."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie (могу я взять Сюзи) for a walk around the block? I asked Mom (я спросила маму) but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you (и чтобы я спросила тебя)."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here (давай: «приведи» сюда Сюзи)." He took a rag (он взял тряпку /to take-took-taken/), soaked it with gasoline (намочил ее в бензине), and scrubbed the dog's butt with it (и потер ею cобачий зад) and said, "Ok, you can go now (теперь можешь идти), but keep Susie on the leash (но держи Сюзи на поводке) and only go one time (и обойди только один раз) around the block."

Little girl left (ушла /to leave-left-left — оставить, покинуть/) and returned a few minutes later (вернулась через несколько минут) with no dog on the leash (без собаки на поводке).

Dad said, "Where's (где) Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas (у Сюзи кончился бензин; run out off… — истощить свой запас /чего-либо/) about halfway (примерно на полпути) down the block (вниз по кварталу) and there's another dog pushing her home (и там другая собака буксирует: «толкает» ее домой)."

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

What's that mean?

Bring Susie over here!

My car ran out of gas.

After just a few years of marriage (через несколько лет после женитьбы), filled with constant arguments (наполненной постоянными спорами), a young man and his wife decided (молодой человек и его жена решили) the only way to save their marriage (что единственный способ спасти их брак) was to try counseling (это попробовать обратиться к психологу: «попробовать консультацию, проконсультироваться»). They had been at each other's throat for some time (они уже чуть не вцеплялись друг другу в горло: «они были при глотке друг друга некоторое время») and felt that this was their last straw (и чувствовали, что это их последняя соломинка /to feel-felt-felt/). When they arrived at the counselor's office (когда они пришли к психологу: «советнику»), the counselor jumped right in (сразу принялся за дело: «впрыгнул») and opened the floor for discussion (и открыл дискуссию; floor — пол, настил; места для членов /законодательного/ собрания).

"What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой)"

Immediately (немедленно), the husband held his long face down (опускает свое длинное = вытянувшееся лицо вниз) without anything to say (не имея что сказать). On the other hand (с другой стороны, напротив же), the wife began talking 90 miles an hour (жена начала говорить со скоростью 90 миль в час /to begin-began-begun/) describing all the wrongs within their marriage (описывая все «неправильности» в: «внутри» их брака). After 5 — 10 — 15 minutes of listening to the wife (после пяти — десяти — пятнадцати минут «слушания» супруги), the counselor went over to her (подошел к ней), picked her up by her shoulders (взял: «подхватил» ее за плечи), kissed her passionately (поцеловал ее страстно; passion — страсть) for several minutes (в течение нескольких минут), and sat her back down (и посадил ее обратно /to sit-sat-sat/). Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless (после этого жена сидела там безмолвно; speech — речь).

He looked over at the husband (он оглянулся на мужа) who was staring in disbelief (кто в изумлении, не веря своим глазам смотрел: «уставился, глазел»; belief — вера, верование) at what had happened (на то, что произошло). The counselor spoke to the husband (заговорил с мужем /to speak-spoke-spoken/), "Your wife NEEDS that (ваша жена нуждается в этом) at least twice a week! (по крайней мере дважды в неделю)"

The husband scratched his head (почесал голову) and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays (я могу приводить ее сюда по вторникам и четвергам)."

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 — 10 — 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

What seems to be the problem?

Your wife needs that at least twice a week!

A woman was thinking (женщина подумывала) about finding a pet (о том, чтобы найти питомца, домашнее животное) to keep her company at home (составить ей компанию дома). She decided (она решила) she would like (что она предпочтет) to find a beautiful parrot (найти красивого попугая); it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog (это не было бы так много работы, как, скажем, с собакой), and it would be fun to hear it speak (и будет забавно слушать, как он говорит). She went to a pet shop (она пришла в зоомагазин) and immediately spotted (и тут же заметила) a large beautiful parrot (большого чудесного попугая). She went to the owner of the store (она подошла к владельцу магазина) and asked how much (и спросила, сколько /он стоит/). The owner said it was 50 bucks (владелец сказал: 50 баксов). Delighted (довольная) that such a rare looking (что такого редкого вида) and beautiful bird (и красивая птичка) wasn't more expensive (не была дороже), she agreed to buy it (она согласилась его купить).

The owner looked at her (посмотрел на нее) and said, "Listen, I should tell you first (послушайте, я должен вам сказать сначала = предупредить вас) that this bird used to live in a whorehouse (что эта птичка жила: «имела обыкновение жить» в борделе; whore — проститутка). Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff (иногда она говорит довольно пошлые вещи; stuff — материал)."

The woman thought about this (подумала об этом /to think-thought-thought/), but decided she had to have the bird (но решила, что она должна иметь эту птичку). She said she would buy it anyway (она сказала, что она в любом случае, все равно ее купит). The pet-shop owner sold (продал /to sell-sold-sold/) her the bird and she took it home (принесла ее домой /to take-took-taken — взять/). She hung the bird's cage up (она повесила птичью клетку) in her living room (в гостиной) and waited for it to say something (и стала ждать, чтобы он /попугай/ сказал что-нибудь).

The bird looked around the room (птица оглядела комнату), then at her (потом /посмотрела/ на нее), and said, "New house, new madam (новый дом, новая мадам)."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication (женщина была несколько шокирована смыслом, подтекстом /этих слов/; to implicate — вовлекать, впутывать; заключать в себе, подразумевать), but then thought, "That's not so bad (это не так плохо = ничего страшного)."

A couple hours later (пару часов спустя), the woman's two teenage daughters (две дочери-тинейджеры /т.е. не достигшие еще 20 лет/) returned from school (вернулись из школы). When they inspected the bird (когда они рассматривали птицу), it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки)."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first (были немного оскорблены сначала), but then began to laugh about the situation (но потом начали смеяться над этой ситуацией /to begin-began-begun/).

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work (муж женщины пришел с работы). The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George! (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки, те же старые лица. Привет, Джордж)"

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

That's not so bad.

Same old faces.

Typical Mexican macho man (типичный мексиканский мачо) married typical good-looking Mexican lady (женился на типичной красивой: «хорошо выглядящей» мексиканской женщине) and after the wedding (и после свадьбы) laid down the following rules: (установил следующие правила) "I'll be home when I want (я буду дома, буду приходить домой, когда я хочу), if I want (если захочу) and at what time I want (и тогда: «в такое время», когда я хочу) - and I don't expect any hassle from you (и я не жду никакого ворчания от тебя = и чтобы не было никакого ворчания, недовольства; hassle — перебранка, стычка). I expect a great dinner to be on the table (я ожидаю отличный ужин на столе) unless I tell you otherwise (если только я не скажу тебе другого: «по-другому»). I'll go hunting (я буду ходить на охоту), fishing (рыбалку), boozing (на попойки; booze — спиртной напиток; to booze — пьянствовать) and card-playing (на карточные игры) when I want with my old buddies (с моими старыми дружками) and don't you give me a hard time (и не надоедай мне: «не давай мне жесткого = тяжелого времени») about it (из-за этого, по этому поводу). Those are my rules! (таковы мои правила, установления) Any comments? (какие-нибудь замечания)"

His new bride said (его новая невеста сказала), "No, that's fine with me (нет, это мне подходит: «это хорошо со мной»). Just understand (только пойми = запомни) that there'll be sex here (здесь будет секс) at seven o'clock every night (в семь часов каждый вечер) - whether you're here or not (будешь ты здесь или нет)."

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night — whether you're here or not."

Don't you give me a hard time about it!

Any comments?

No, that's fine with me.

Pretty girl (миленькая девушка): "May I try on (я могу примерить) that two-piece suit (тот /купальный/ костюм /двойку/; piece — кусок, часть, штука) in the window? (в витрине: «в окне»)"

Store manager (менеджер магазина): "Go right ahead (да, конечно, давайте: «идите прямо вперед»). It might help business (это может помочь бизнесу)."

Pretty girl: "May I try on that two-piece suit in the window?"

Store manager: "Go right ahead. It might help business."

May I try on that suit?

Go right ahead.

It might help business.

This old gal («старушка»: gal — девчонка) was trying on (примеряла; to try — пробовать; стараться) one of those blouses with a plunging neckline (одну из тех блузок, /что/ с глубоким вырезом; to plunge — нырять) and after looking herself over in the mirror (после того, как оглядела себя в зеркале), asked a saleslady (спросила продавщицу) if she thought it was too low-cut (не думает ли она, что вырез слишком глубок: «что это слишком глубоко вырезано» /to think-thought-thought/).

"Do you have hair on your chest? (у вас есть волосы на груди)" the saleslady asked.

"No!" she squealed (взвизгнула).

"Well then (ну, тогда)," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut (он слишком глубок)."

This old gal was trying on one of those blouses with a plunging neckline and after looking herself over in the mirror, asked a saleslady if she thought it was too low-cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleslady asked.

"No!" she squealed.

"Well then," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut."

It's too low-cut.

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening (человек сопровождал друга домой на ужин однажды вечером) and noticed (заметил) that as soon as they entered the door (что, как только они вошли в дверь), his friend kissed his wife (поцеловал свою жену) and told her how pretty she looked (и сказал ей, как чудно она выглядит /to tell-told-told/). After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food (он похвалил жену за еду) and kissed her again (снова).

"Do you always do that? (ты всегда так делаешь)" asked the visitor (спросил гость) when they were alone (когда они были одни).

"You bet I do (конечно, да; to bet — держать пари; биться об заклад)," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one (это помогает сохранить наш брак счастливым)."

The visitor was greatly impressed (сильно впечатлен) and decided (решил) to use the same procedure with his own wife (использовать то же действие с его собственной женой; procedure — образ действия; процедура /напр. парламентская/ [pr??si:d??]). That night (в тот вечер) he swept her into his arms (он сгреб ее в объятия: «в руки» /to sweep-swept-swept — мести/) when he got home (когда он пришел домой /to get-got-got — получать; прибыть, добраться/) and kissed her warmly (нежно; warm — теплый). "Sweetheart (милая: sweet — сладкий + heart — сердце)," he said, "you look wonderful tonight (ты выглядишь чудесно сегодня /вечером/), and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife (я счастлив, имея такую прелестную жену)."

His wife looked at him in amazement (с удивлением), then burst into tears (затем залилась слезами /to burst-burst-burst — лопнуть; разразиться/).

"For Pete's sake (ради /святого/ Петра)," exclaimed (воскликнул) the astonished (изумленный) man, "what's the matter? (в чем дело, что случилось)"

"What a day this has been! (что за день это был)" his wife answered. "First Johnny (сначала Джонни) sprained his ankle (растянул лодыжку), then the washing machine (затем стиральная машина) broke down (сломалась /to break-broke-broken/) and flooded the basement (затопила подвал; basement — фундамент, цоколь; подвал), and now you come home drunk! (а теперь /и/ ты /еще/ приходишь домой пьяный)"

A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening and noticed that as soon as they entered the door, his friend kissed his wife and told her how pretty she looked. After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food and kissed her again.

"Do you always do that?" asked the visitor when they were alone.

"You bet I do," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one."

The visitor was greatly impressed and decided to use the same procedure with his own wife. That night he swept her into his arms when he got home and kissed her warmly. "Sweetheart," he said, "you look wonderful tonight, and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife."

His wife looked at him in amazement, then burst into tears.

"For Pete's sake," exclaimed the astonished man, "what's the matter?"

"What a day this has been!" his wife answered. "First Johnny sprained his ankle, then the washing machine broke down and flooded the basement, and now you come home drunk!"

You bet!

It helps keep our marriage a happy one.

Sweetheart, you look wonderful tonight!

For Pete’s sake (for God’s; Heaven’s)!

What a day this has been!

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world (два священника обсуждали недостаток морали в современном мире).

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married (я не спал со своей женой до того, как мы поженились)," said one clergyman self-righteously (сказал один священник самодовольно: «с чувством собственной правоты»). "Did you? (а вы)"

"I don't know (я не знаю)," said the other. "What was her maiden name? (какая была ее девичья фамилия)"

Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

What was her maiden name?

Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything (дядюшка Пит никогда не просил Господа о чем-либо), but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery… (но однажды он услышал об этой Орегонской лотерее /to hear-heard-heard/) He began to think about it (он начал думать об этом /to begin-began-begun/), and think about it… (и думать об этом). Then a couple of days later (потом, пару дней спустя), he asked the Lord (он попросил Бога: «Господа»),

"You know Lord (ты знаешь, Господи), I never asked you for anything (я никогда тебя ни о чем не просил), I've been going to church every Sunday (я ходил в церковь каждое воскресенье), praising you and thanking you for what I have (восхваляя тебя и благодаря тебя за то, что имею), and I sure would like to win that lottery! (и я, конечно, хотел бы выиграть в эту лотерею)"

Well, a couple of years went by (пара лет прошла) and Uncle Pete still wanted to (все еще хотел), and didn't win (и не выиграл) that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field (однажды, во время распашки поля, когда распахивал поле) he starts thinking about not winning the lottery (он начинает думать о том, что он не выиграл в лотерею, как он все никак не может выиграть в лотерею), and get frustrated (/начинает/ расстраиваться, отчаиваться), so he decides (и решает поэтому) to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery (спросить Бога, почему Он не поможет ему выиграть в лотерею).

He yelled up at the sky (он прокричал в небо), "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' (= anything) but ta' (= to — но только) win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help (и Ты «никогда» = вовсе, ни разу не помог), well WHY? (ну почему)"

Then the clouds above (облака над /ним/) began to part (начали раздвигаться) and in a booming voice (и громовым голосом; to boom — греметь) he heard the Lord say (он услышал, /как/ Бог говорит),

"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this (Пит, мне понадобится кое-какая помощь в этом; gonna = going to), you have to buy a ticket first (ты должен купить билет для начала)."

Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery… He began to think about it, and think about it… Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord,

"You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to church every Sunday, praising you and thanking you for what I have, and I sure would like to win that lottery!"

Well, a couple of years went by and Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery.

He yelled up at the sky, "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, well WHY?"

Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard the Lord say,

"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, you have to buy a ticket first."

I'm gonna need some help on this.

Two fishermen are out on the lake (два рыбака посреди озера) in a boat they had rented at the dock (в лодке, которую они взяли напрокат у пристани).

After an hour or so (через час или около того), they drift over a deep hole (они проплывают над глубокой ямой, впадиной) and start catching fish (и начинают ловить рыбу) faster than they ever had before in their lives (быстрее, чем когда-либо прежде в их жизни). This goes on for a while (это продолжается какое-то время) until one of them (пока один из них) pulls a large piece of chalk (/не/ вытаскивает большой кусок мела) out of his tackle box (из своего ящика со снаряжением) and draws a large "X" (и рисует большую букву «X») in the bottom of the boat (на дне лодки).

"What did you do that for? (для чего ты это сделал)" asks the other one (спрашивает другой).

"So we can find this spot again! (чтобы мы могли найти это место снова)" is the reply (ответ).

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard (это самый дурацкий ответ: «вещь», который я когда-нибудь слышал)," says his buddy (приятель).

"… How do you know we'll get the SAME boat next time? (откуда ты знаешь, что мы получим ту же лодку в следующий раз)"

Two fishermen are out on the lake in a boat they had rented at the dock.

After an hour or so, they drift over a deep hole and start catching fish faster than they ever had before in their lives. This goes on for a while until one of them pulls a large piece of chalk out of his tackle box and draws a large "X" in the bottom of the boat.

"What did you do that for?" asks the other one.

"So we can find this spot again!" is the reply.

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," says his buddy.

"… How do you know we'll get the SAME boat next time?"

What did you do that for?

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Two winkies went on a hunting trip (двое эвенков были на охоте). After it began to get dark (после того, как начало темнеть /to begin-began-begun/), they thought it was about time to go home (они подумали, что время идти домой /to think-thought-thought/). They unfortunately got lost (к несчастью, они потерялись).

One winkie said to the other (один сказал другому), "I read that if you get lost in the woods you should fire three shots in the air (я читал, что если ты потерялся в лесу, ты должен выстрелить три раза в воздух /to lose-lost-lost — терять/). It is supposed to be (это значит: «это предполагается быть») an "S.O.S."

So, the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few hours (после нескольких часов ожидания), they repeated the signal (они повторили сигнал). They tried it over and over (они пробовали еще раз и еще), but nobody came to help them (но никто не пришел им на помощь: «помочь им»).

Finally (наконец), the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again (я попробую еще раз), but we're running out of arrows! (но у нас заканчивается запас стрел; to run out off… — исчерпать запас /чего-либо/)"

Two winkies went on a hunting trip. After it began to get dark, they thought it was about time to go home. They unfortunately got lost.

One winkie said to the other, "I read that if you get lost in the woods you should fire three shots in the air. It is supposed to be an "S.O.S."

So, the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few hours, they repeated the signal. They tried it over and over, but nobody came to help them.

Finally, the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again, but we're running out of arrows!"

I tried it over and over.

O.K., I'll try again.

We're running out of arrows!

A boy was walking down the street with his Dad (мальчик шел по улице со своим папой) and noticed a dog mounting another dog (и заметил собаку, забравшуюся на другую собаку). The boy asked his Dad (спросил своего папу), "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing? (что те две собаки делают)"

"Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore (у собаки сверху передние лапы больные, болят), so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home (и собака внизу ведет, подвозит ее домой: «дает ей поездку»; to ride — скакать; ride — прогулка, поездка)."

The son thinks it over (обдумывает это), and then comes to the conclusion (и потом приходит к заключению),

"Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today… (да, пап, разве мир сейчас не таков: «не подобно ли это миру сегодня») you help someone out (ты кому-то помогаешь), and you end up getting fucked (а кончается все тем, что тебя поимели: to get fucked — быть оттраханным)."

A boy was walking down the street with his Dad and noticed a dog mounting another dog. The boy asked his Dad, "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing?"

"Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore, so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home."

The son thinks it over, and then comes to the conclusion,

"Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today… you help someone out, and you end up getting fucked."

Can you give me a ride?

In front of a delicatessen (перед кулинарией), an art connoisseur (знаток искусства [k?n??s?:]) noticed a mangy little kitten (заметил паршивого маленького котенка; mangy [?me?nd?i]) lapping up milk from a saucer (лижущего молоко из блюдца). The saucer, he realized with a start (он понял «с толчком» = вздрогнув, у него даже дыхание захватило), was a rare (редкое) and precious piece of pottery (дорогое, ценное изделие из керамики; pottery — гончарные изделия; pot — горшок). He strolled into the store (он вошел в магазин; to stroll — прогуливаться, бродить) and offered (предложил) two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale (он не продается: «не для продажи»)," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable (грязный и непривлекательный; to desire - /сильно/ желать), but I'm eccentric (но я чудак: «эксцентричен»). I like cats that way (вот таких). I'll raise (подниму) my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal (договорились; deal — сделка, соглашение)," said the proprietor (владелец), and pocketed the money (и положил деньги в карман; pocket — карман).

"For that sum (сумма) I'm sure you won't mind (не будете против; to mind — помнить; возражать, быть против /в отрицательных и вопросительных предложениях/) throwing in the saucer (прибавить: «вбросить» и блюдце)," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it (похоже, котенок так счастлив = ему так нравится пить из него)."

"Nothing doing (не пойдет)," said the proprietor firmly (твердо). "That's my lucky (счастливое) saucer. From that saucer, so far this week (только на этой неделе; so far - до сих пор, до настоящего времени) I've sold (я продал /to sell-sold-sold/) 34 cats."

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

It's a deal.

Nothing doing.

My wife invited some people to dinner (моя жена пригласила несколько человек к ужину). At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said (за столом она повернулась к нашей шестилетней дочери и сказала), "Would you like to say the blessing? (хочешь произнести молитву: «благословение»; to bless — благословлять)"

"I wouldn't know what to say (я не знаю, что говорить)," she replied (ответила).

"Just say what you hear Mommy say (просто говори, то, что ты слышишь, что твоя мама говорит)," my wife said (сказала моя жена).

Our daughter bowed her head (склонила голову) and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? (Боже ты мой: «дорогой Господь», во имя всего святого: «почему на земле», зачем я пригласила всех этих людей на ужин)"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

I wouldn't know what to say.

Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?

This guy is in a bar (парень в баре), just looking at his drink (смотрит на стакан с выпивкой), he stays like that for half an hour (он в этом состоянии около получаса), or so (или вроде того), then (затем), this big (большой) burly (здоровенный, сильный: «дородный, плотный»; burl — узел на нитке в ткани; наплыв на дереве) trouble-maker (хулиган: «делатель беспорядков»; trouble — беспокойство, волнение; беспорядки) a truck driver (водитель грузовика) comes and sits next to him (приходит и садится рядом с ним), and drinks what the guy was staring at (и выпивает то, на что этот парень /так/ пристально смотрел). The poor man starts crying (несчастный: «бедный» парень начинает плакать).

The truck driver says, "Come on, man (да ладно тебе, да брось ты, парень), I was just joking (я просто шутил). Here (смотри: «вот»), I'll buy you another drink (я куплю тебе другой стаканчик). I just can't see a grown man crying (я просто не могу видеть взрослого мужчину плачущим /to grow-grew-grown — расти/)."

"No, that's not it (нет, дело не в этом), says the guy, "This day has been the worst day of my life (этот день был худшим в моей жизни). First (во-первых), I oversleep 'cause my alarm doesn't go off (я проспал: «просыпаю», потому что мой будильник не срабатывает), and I get to work late (и я опаздываю на работу; late — поздно). My boss is outraged (мой начальник возмущен; rage — ярость, гнев) and he fires me (увольняет меня). When I leave the building (когда я выхожу из здания; to leave — покидать, оставлять), to get to my car (чтобы сесть в машину), I find it was stolen (я обнаруживаю, что она /была/ угнана /to steal-stole-stolen — красть/), and the police say they can do nothing about it (и полиция говорит, что она ничего не может сделать /с этим, по этому поводу/). I get a cab to go home (я беру такси), and remember I left my wallet and credit cards at the house (и вспоминаю, что забыл свой бумажник и кредитки дома). The cab driver takes off without me (водитель такси уезжает без меня). I walk the six miles to home (я иду шесть миль до дома), and when I get there (и когда добираюсь туда), I find my wife in bed with the mailman (я нахожу свою жену в постели с почтальоном). I grab my wallet and come to this bar (хватаю свой бумажник и иду в этот бар), and when I was thinking about putting an end to my life (и когда я думал о том, чтобы положить конец своей жизни), you show up and drink my poison (ты появляешься и выпиваешь мой яд).

This guy is in a bar, just looking at his drink, he stays like that for half an hour, or so, then, this big burly trouble-maker a truck driver comes and sits next to him, and drinks what the guy was staring at. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a grown man crying."

"No, that's not it, says the guy, "This day has been the worst day of my life. First, I oversleep ‘cause my alarm doesn't go off, and I get to work late. My boss is outraged and he fires me. When I leave the building, to get to my car, I find it was stolen, and the police say they can do nothing about it. I get a cab to go home, and remember I left my wallet and credit cards at the house. The cab driver takes off without me. I walk the six miles to home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the mailman. I grab my wallet and come to this bar, and when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

Come on man, I was just joking.

No, that's not it.

The police say they can do nothing about it.

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland (двое нищих сидят на парковой скамейке в Ирландии). One is holding a cross (один держит крест) and one a Star of David (а один — звезду Давида).

Both are holding hats to collect contributions (оба держат шляпы для собирания милостыни; contribution — денежный вклад, пожертвование). People walk by (люди проходят мимо), lift their noses (поднимают = задирают /презрительно/ носы) at the man with the Star of David (на человека со звездой Давида) and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross (и кидают деньги в шляпу, которую держит /to hold-held-held/ человек c крестом; drop — капля; to drop — капать; ронять). Soon (вскоре) the hat of the man with the cross is filled (наполнена) and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty (пуста).

A priest watches (священник смотрит) and then approaches the men (затем подходит к мужчинам). He turns to (обращается) the man with the Star of David and says, "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? (молодой человек, /разве/ вы не понимаете, что это христианская страна) You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David (вы никогда не получите милостыни в этой стране, держа звезду Давида)."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach us Marketing!! (Мойше, посмотри, кто пытается научить нас маркетингу)"

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David.

Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says, "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach us Marketing!!"

Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Christian country?

Moishe Cohen (Мойше Коган) goes to see his rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби).

"I need your advice (мне нужен ваш совет). My wife just gave birth to a girl (моя жена только что родила девочку: «дала рождение девочке» /to give-gave-given/)."

"Mazel tov (Поздравляю — идиш)."

"Thank you (спасибо). Can we name the baby after a relative? (мы можем назвать ребенка в честь родственника; relative [?rel?t?v])"

"According to Jewish custom (согласно еврейской традиции: «обычаю»), you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother… (в честь умерших отца, матери, брата: «по умершему отцу…»)"

"But they are all still alive (но они все еще живы)," says Moishe.

"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that (о, мне ужасно жаль это слышать = весьма сожалею)," said the rabbi.

Moishe Cohen goes to see his rabbi.

"I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl."

"Mazel tov."

"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"

"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother…"

"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.

"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that," said the rabbi.

Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that.

Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months (Лия входила и выходила из состояния комы уже несколько месяцев; to slip — скользить, проскользнуть).

Yet (тем не менее, однако) Tony, her husband (ее муж), had stayed by her bedside every single day (находился у ее постели каждый /единственный, отдельный/ день). One day, when Leah came to (= came to herself — пришла в себя /to come-came-come/), she motioned for Tony to come nearer (она поманила Тони подойти ближе; to motion — показывать жестом /что нужно сделать/). As he sat by her (когда он сел около нее /to sit-sat-sat/), she whispered (она прошептала), eyes full of tears (с глазами, полными слез),

"You know what? (знаешь что) You have been with me all through the bad times… (ты был со мной все это трудное время: «сквозь плохие времена» = мы пережили с тобой вместе все трудности).

When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me (когда я была уволена с моей секретарской работы, ты был там = рядом, чтобы поддержать меня).

When my first hairdressing business failed (когда мой первый «парикмахерский» бизнес провалился), you were there.

When I got knocked down by a car (когда я была сбита машиной; to knock — ударять), you were by my side (ты был со мной: side — сторона, бок).

When we lost our dear Jonathan (когда мы потеряли нашего дорогого Джонатана), you stayed right here (ты был здесь).

When my health started failing (когда мое здоровье начало слабеть; to fail — потерпеть неудачу; изменить, покинуть; недоставать; ослабевать, терять силы), you were still by my side…

You know what? (знаешь что)"

"What dear? (что, милая)" Tony gently asked (Тони нежно спросил), smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth (улыбаясь, в то время как его сердце начало наполняться теплом).

"I think you bring me bad luck (я думаю, ты приносишь мне несчастье, неудачу; luck — удача)."

Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.

Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for Tony to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times…

When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me.

When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.

When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.

When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side…

You know what?"

"What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

You know what?

Maurice and Sarah were getting old (старели) and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing (почувствовал, что его жена теряет слух /to feel-felt-felt/).

He decided to stage a test (он решил устроить проверку; stage — подмостки, сцена; to stage — инсценировать, осуществлять). One day, as Sarah read the paper (когда Сара читала газету), he stood a distance behind her chair (он встал на /некотором/ расстоянии от ее кресла /to stand-stood-stood/) and said, in a conversational voice (негромким: «разговорным» голосом; conversation — разговор), "Can you hear me? (ты можешь меня слышать)" Silence (тишина).

He moved towards her (он продвинулся поближе к ней). He was now 6 feet away (он был в 6 футах от нее). "Can you hear me?" Still silence (опять: «все еще» тишина).

Finally, he moved directly behind her chair (наконец он продвинулся прямо к ее креслу: «позади ее кресла») and bent over (и нагнулся /через/, перегнулся /to bend-bent-bent/), just inches from her ear (всего лишь в нескольких дюймах от ее уха), "Can you hear me?"

Sarah replied, "For the third time (в третий раз), Maurice, Yes I can!"

Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.

He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.

He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.

Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear, "Can you hear me?"

Sarah replied, "For the third time, Maurice, Yes I can!"

Can you hear me?

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser (две еврейские женщины сидели под сушилками в парикмахерской; dry — сухой; to dry — сушить).

Sadie says, "So now, Monah, how's your family? (ну, Мона, как твоя семья)"

Monah responds, (отвечает) "Oh just fine (в порядке: «просто отлично, прекрасно»; fine — тонкий, утонченный; прекрасный, превосходный). My daughter is married to the most wonderful man (моя дочь замужем за самым чудесным мужчиной). She never has to cook (ей никогда не приходится готовить), he always takes her out (он всегда выводит ее в свет, ходит с ней куда-либо). She never has to clean (она не должна убираться; clean — чистый; to clean — чистить), he got her a maid (он нанял ей служанку). She never has to work (работать), he's got such a good job (у него такая хорошая работа). She never has to worry about the children (ей никогда не приходится волноваться о детях), he got her a nanny (он взял ей няню)."

Sadie then asks, "And how is your son these days? (а как ваш сын сейчас: «в эти дни» = как он поживает)"

Monah says, "Just awful (просто ужасно). He is married (он женат) to such a witch of a woman (на такой ведьме). She makes him take her out to dinner every night (она заставляет его водить ее на ужин каждый вечер), she never cooks a dish (никогда не готовит; dish — блюдо). She made him get her a maid (она заставила его взять служанку), God forbid (боже упаси) she should vacuum a carpet (если она почистит ковер /пылесосом/). He has to work like a dog (он должен работать, как собака) because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children (потому что она не хочет устроиться на работу: «получить, взять работу» и она никогда не занимается детьми, не заботится о детях), because she made him get her a nanny! (потому что она заставила его взять ей няню)"

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser.

Sadie says, "So now, Monah, how's your family?"

Monah responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook, he always takes her out. She never has to clean, he got her a maid. She never has to work, he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

Sadie then asks, "And how is your son these days?"

Monah says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a maid, God forbid she should vacuum a carpet. He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

How's your family?

Just awful.

A town in Poland had only one cow (в одном городке в Польше была только одна корова), and it stopped giving milk (и она перестала давать молоко). The townspeople (жители городка) did a little research (навели справки: «сделали небольшое расследование») and discovered (и выяснили: «обнаружили, открыли») they could get a cow from Moscow (что они могут купить: «достать, взять» корову в Москве: «из Москвы») for 2,000 rubles, but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles (а корову из Минска всего за 1000 рублей). So, they got the cow from Minsk (они взяли корову из Минска).

It was a great cow (это была отличная корова; great — великий; замечательный, прекрасный), gave lots of milk (давала много молока) and lots of cream (и много сливок), and everybody loved this cow (и все любили эту корову = всем она нравилась). The people decided they would mate the cow (люди решили спарить корову) and get more cows (и получить больше коров), and then they would never have to worry (и тогда им бы никогда /больше/ не пришлось волноваться) about their milk supply again (о снабжении их молоком; to supply — снабжать, поставлять). So, they got a bull (они взяли, нашли быка) and led the cow and the bull into the pasture (и погнали корову и быка на пастбище /to lead-led-led — вести/). When the bull came in from the right (когда бык зашел справа) to mount the cow (чтобы покрыть корову; to mount — взбираться, подниматься), the cow moved to the left (корова подвинулась влево). When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day (так продолжалось целый день).

Finally, in desperation (в отчаянии), the people decided to ask the rabbi what to do (люди решили спросить рабби, что делать). After all, he was very wise (ведь он был очень мудрым). They told him the story (они рассказали ему эту историю /to tell-told-told/). "Rabbi, we've tried all day (мы пытались целый день) to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do? (что нам делать)"

The rabbi thought a moment and said (подумал секунду и сказал), "So, why did you buy this cow from Minsk? (а зачем вы купили эту корову в Минске)"

"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk (мы /никогда = вовсе/ не говорили тебе, что купили корову в Минске). How did you know that? (как ты это узнал)"

The rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk (моя жена из Минска)."

A town in Poland had only one cow, and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream, and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to ask the rabbi what to do. After all, he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The rabbi thought a moment and said, "So, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."

What do we do?

How did you know that?

The upset and concerned housewife Rivkah (расстроенная и озабоченная домохозяйка Ривка; to upset — опрокидывать; расстраивать) sprang to the telephone (подскочила к телефону /to spring-sprang-sprung — прыгать/) when it rang (когда тот позвонил /to ring-rang-rung/) and listened with relief (и слушала с облегчением) to the kindly voice (добрый голос).

"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy (дорогая, как ты, это мамочка)."

"Oh Mummy," she said, "I'm having a bad day (у меня плохой день)."

Breaking into bitter tears (разрыдавшись: «разразившись горькими слезами» /to break-broke-broken — ломать/), she continued (она продолжала), "The baby won't eat (ребенок не хочет есть) and the washing machine broke down (и стиральная машина сломалась). I haven't had a chance to go shopping (я не имела возможности сходить за покупками) and besides (и вдобавок), I've just sprained my ankle (я только что растянула лодыжку) and I have to hobble around (и должна хромать). On top of that (в довершение всего; top — вершина, верхушка), the house is a mess (дома бардак, беспорядок) and I'm supposed to have the Goldbergs and the Rosens for dinner tonight (мне нужно принять: «предполагается, что я приму» Голдбергов и Розенов на ужин сегодня вечером; to suppose — предполагать)."

The voice on the other end said in sympathy (голос на другом конце сказал сочувственно), "Darling, let Mummy handle it (дорогая, позволь маме с этим разобраться; to handle — брать руками; управлять, регулировать)."

She continued, "Sit down, relax, and close your eyes (сядь, расслабься и закрой глаза). I'll be over in half an hour (я буду через полчаса). I'll do your shopping (я схожу /за тебя, для тебя/ в магазин), clean up the house (приберусь в доме; clean — чистый; to clean up — вычистить, убраться), and cook your dinner for you (и приготовлю ужин для тебя, вместо тебя). I'll feed the baby (я накормлю ребенка) and I'll call an engineer I know (и позвоню мастеру, которого я знаю) who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine in 30 minutes (который будет в твоем доме, чтобы починить стиральную машину, через 30 минут).

Now stop crying (а сейчас перестань плакать). I'll do everything (я все сделаю). In fact (действительно, на самом деле), I'll even call your husband David at the office (я даже позвоню твоему мужу Дэвиду в офис) and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once (я скажу ему, что он должен прийти и помочь сейчас же; once - однажды; же, — ка /усилит. частица/)."

"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David? (кто это Дэвид)"

"Why, David 's your husband! (как Дэвид твой муж) … Is this (это) 0208 123 3749?"

"No, this is 0208 123 3747."

"Oh, I'm sorry (о, извините). I guess I have the wrong number (видимо, я набрала не тот номер)."

There was a short pause (была короткая пауза), then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over? (так значит, вы не приедете: «значит ли это, что вы не приедете /сюда/»)"

The upset and concerned housewife Rivkah sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice.

"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."

"Oh Mummy," she said "I'm having a bad day."

Breaking into bitter tears, she continued, "The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Goldbergs and the Rosens for dinner tonight."

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it."

She continued, "Sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine in 30 minutes.

Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"

"Why, David 's your husband!… Is this 0208 123 3749?"

"No, this is 0208 123 3747."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Darling, How are you?

Let me handle it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.

Does this mean you're not coming over?

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson (еврейская бабушка дает указания своему взрослому внуку) who is coming to visit with his wife (который собирается навестить ее со своей женой),

"You come to the front door (ты подходишь к входной двери) of the Golders Green block of flats (многоквартирного дома). I am in flat (я в квартире) number 32. There is a big panel at the front door (на входной: «передней» двери большая панель, список, указатель /жильцов, квартир/; panel [?p?nl]). With your elbow (твоим локтем), push button (нажми кнопку) 32. I will buzz you in (я тебя впущу /по домофону/; to buzz — жужжать, гудеть; звонить по телефону). Come inside (внутрь), the elevator is on the right (лифт справа). Get in (зайди), and with your elbow hit (нажми: «ударь») 14. When you get out (когда ты выйдешь), I am on the left (я слева). With your elbow, hit my doorbell (дверной звонок; bell — колокольчик)."

"Grandma, that sounds easy (звучит понятно: «легко»), but why (почему) am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed? (ты приезжаешь = собираешься приехать с пустыми руками)"

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife,

"You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed?"

That sounds easy.

Four Jewish ladies (четыре еврейские женщины) are playing Bridge (играют в бридж).

Betty sighs and says (Бетти вздыхает и говорит), "Oy… (Ой)"

Freda nods (кивает), sighs, and says, "Oy vey! (ой, горе — идиш)"

Kitty says, "Oy veys meer! (ой, горе мне)"

Charlotte chimes in (Шарлотта включается в разговор: to chime — согласно звучать /о колоколах/): "Enough talk about the children already (хватит уже о детях). Let's get back to the game (давайте-таки играть: «вернемся к игре»; back — назад)"

Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge.

Betty sighs and says, "Oy…"

Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"

Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"

Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

Let's get back to the game.

After Adam was created (после того, как Адам был создан), there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden (он был совсем один в Эдемском саду).

Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself (конечно, это не было хорошо для него быть все время одному: «при самом себе»), so the Lord came down to visit (и Бог спустился навестить его).

"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier (у меня есть план, как сделать тебя гораздо, гораздо счастливее). I'm going to give you a companion (я собираюсь дать тебе друга), a help mate for you (помощника для тебя) - someone who will fulfil (кого-то, кто исполнит) your every need and desire (каждую твою потребность и каждое твое желание). Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient (кто будет преданным, любящим и послушным; obedient [??bi:dj?nt]). Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life (кто сделает так, чтобы ты чувствовал себя чудесно каждый день /в/ твоей жизни)."

Adam was stunned (ошеломлен). "That sounds incredible! (это звучит невероятно)"

"Well, it is (так оно и есть)," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free (но это не бесплатно; free — свободный). This is someone so special (настолько особенный) that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg (что будет стоить тебе руки и ноги)."

"That's a pretty high price to pay (это очень высокая цена)," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib? (что могу я получить за ребро)"

After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden.

Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.

"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you — someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"

"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

That's sounds incredible!

That's a pretty high price to pay.

Three friends were at the bar talking (трое друзей были в баре, разговаривая), and after many rounds of beer (и после многих кружек /заказанных на всех/: «раундов» пива), one of them suggests (один из них предлагает) that everyone admits something (чтобы каждый признался в чем-то таком) they have never admitted to anyone (в чем они никогда раньше не признавались никому).

"Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay! (я никогда никому не говорил, что я гомик /to tell-told-told/)"

The second confesses (признается), "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife (у меня роман, связь с женой моего босса)."

The third, Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you… (я не знаю, как вам сказать)"

"Don't be shy (не стыдись = смелее: «не будь стыдлив, робок»)," the two friends said.

"Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets (я не могу хранить секреты)."

Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.

"Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay!"

The second confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."

The third, Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you…"

"Don't be shy," the two friends said.

"Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."

Don't be shy.

Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be (мистер Шварц приходит на встречу со своим будущим зятем), Sol (Соломоном).

He says to Sol, who is very religious (он говорит Солу, который очень религиозен), "So now tell me, Sol, my boy, what do you do? (ну а теперь скажи мне, Сол, мой мальчик, чем ты занимаешься)"

"I study the Torah (я изучаю Тору)," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter (ты собираешься жениться на моей дочери), how are you going to feed and house her? (как ты собираешься ее кормить и содержать)"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide (я изучаю Тору, там сказано, что Бог обеспечит)."

"But you will have children (но у тебя будут дети), how will you educate them? (как ты дашь им образование)" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like (беспокойно спросила, что из себя представляет Сол: «на что он похож»).

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy (он милый мальчик), I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God (я только его встретил = познакомился с ним, а он уже думает, что я Бог /to meet-met-met/)."

Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.

He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So now, tell me, Sol, my boy, what do you do?"

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

What do you do?

No problem.

— Hello, that's you (это ты), Abe?

— Yes, dis (= this; здесь и дальше написание некоторых слов нарушено, чтобы передать сильный акцент) is Abe…

— It doesn't sount (=sound) like (не похоже на: «не звучит как») Abe.

— Vell (=well), dis is Abe all right (здесь в самом деле: «в порядке»).

— You're positive (вы уверены) it's Abe?

— Absolutely (абсолютно).

— Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds? (= fifty pounds — можешь одолжить мне 50 фунтов)

— Ven (=when) Abe comes in (придет), I'll tell him you called… (я скажу ему, что вы звонили).

— Hello, that's you, Abe?

— Yes, dis is Abe…

— It doesn't sount like Abe.

— Vell, dis is Abe all right.

— You're positive it's Abe?

— Absolutely.

— Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds?

— Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called…

Are you positive?

Abe goes to see his rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби).

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening (что-то ужасное происходит) and I have to talk to you about it (и мне нужно поговорить с вами об этом)."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe? (что случилось: «что неправильно»)"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me (отравляет меня; poison — яд)."

The rabbi was very surprised (удивлен) by this and asks, "How can that be? (как это возможно: «может быть»)"

Abe then pleads (уверяет; to pead — защищать /в суде/; обращаться с просьбой; просить, умолять), "I'm telling you (я вам говорю), I'm certain (я уверен) she's poisoning me, what should I do? (что я должен делать = что мне делать)"

The rabbi then offers (тогда предлагает), "Tell you what (вот что я тебе скажу). Let me talk to her (позволь мне поговорить с ней), I'll see what I can find out (я погляжу, что я смогу выяснить; to find — находить) and I'll let you know (и я дам тебе знать)."

A week later the rabbi calls (зовет; звонит) Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife (я говорил с твоей женой /to speak-spoke-spoken/). I spoke to her on the phone (по телефону) for three hours (в течение трех часов). You want my advice? (хочешь мой совет)"

Abe anxiously says (тревожно), "Yes."

"Take the poison (прими яд)," says the rabbi.

Abe goes to see his rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the rabbi.

What's wrong?

What should I do?

Let me talk to her.

I'll see what I can find out.

I'll let you know.

You want my advice?

91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years (после 66 лет брака) go to their lawyer (идут к их адвокату) to get a divorce (получить развод).

Puzzled (озадаченный), the lawyer asks (спрашивает), "Why did you wait all this time (зачем вы ждали все это время) if you were both so miserable for so long? (если вы оба были такими несчастными так долго)"

The answer (ответ): "We were just waiting for the kids to die (мы просто ждали, пока умрут дети)."

91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce.

Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"

The answer: "We were just waiting for the kids to die."

Why did you wait all this time?

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking (обсуждают свой секс прошлой ночью; to make love — заниматься любовью).

Alberto the Italian (итальянец Альберто) says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over (натер ее всю) with fine olive oil (чудным оливковым маслом; fine — тонкий, утонченный; превосходный), then we make wonderful love (затем мы чудесно занимались любовью). She screamed for five minutes (она кричала /целых/ пять минут)."

Marcel the Frenchman (француз Марсель) says, "I smoothed (намазал; smooth — гладкий, ровный; to smooth — приглаживать, сглаживать; смягчать, смазывать [smu:?]) sweet butter (сладкое масло) on my wife's body (тело), then we made passionate (страстная) love. She screamed for half an hour (она кричала полчаса)."

Maurice Cohen (Морис Коган) says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz (я покрыл тело жены салом). We made love and she screamed for six hours (шесть часов)."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her (как ты заставил ее = сделал так, чтобы она) scream for six hours?"

Maurice shrugs (пожимает плечами). "I wiped my hands on the drapes (я вытер руки о портьеры, драпировку)."

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

We made love.

A businessman boarded a plane (взошел на борт самолета) to find, sitting next to him (и обнаружил: «чтобы обнаружить» сидящую рядом с ним), an elegant Jewish woman (элегантную еврейку) wearing (на которой было; to wear - носить /об одежде, украшениях/) the largest and most stunning (самое крупное и самое потрясающее) diamond ring (кольцо с бриллиантом) he had ever seen (которое он когда-либо видел). He asked her about it (он спросил ее об этом).

"This is the Klopman diamond (это бриллиант Клопмана)," she said. "It is beautiful (он прекрасен, красив), but there is a terrible curse (но /здесь есть/ ужасное проклятье) that goes with it (которое ему сопутствует)."

"What's the curse? (какое проклятие)" the man asked (спросил).

"Mr. Klopman (мистер Клопман)."

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant Jewish woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

This is the most stunning diamond ring I have ever seen.

Bernie is a very wealthy (богатый) man indeed (в самом деле).

One day in June (однажды в июне), he goes on holiday (он отправляется в отпуск, отдохнуть) with his latest (со своей последней), much younger girlfriend (намного моложе /его/ подружкой), Sarah. As the days in the sun wore on (по мере того, как дни на солнце уходили /to wear-wore-worn — носить /одежду/; медленно тянуться /о времени/), Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages and interests between them (начали говорить о разнице в их возрасте и интересах /между ними/ /to begin-began-begun/).

Bernie asked, "If I lost everything (если бы я потерял все /to lose-lost-lost/), all my money, my mansion (мой особняк), my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love me (ты бы по-прежнему любила меня), Sarah?"

"Yes, darling," said Sarah, "and I’d miss you too (и скучала бы по тебе тоже; to miss — промахнуться; упустить; чувствовать нехватку кого-либо или чего-либо, скучать)."

Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed.

One day in June, he goes on holiday with his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages and interests between them.

Bernie asked, "If I lost everything, all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love me, Sarah?"

"Yes, darling," said Sarah, "and I’d miss you too."

I’ll miss you.

Moishe had been single (был холост) for a long time (долгое время). One day, he excitedly tells his mother (он возбужденно сообщает своей матери) that he's fallen in love at last (что он влюбился наконец) and he is going to get married (и собирается жениться). She is obviously overjoyed (она очевидно переполнена радостью; joy — радость).

Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun (просто, только ради шутки), Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women (я приведу сюда трех женщин) and you try and guess (постарайся угадать) which one I'm going to marry (на которой я собираюсь жениться)."

His mother agrees (соглашается).

The next day (на следующий день), Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house (приводит в дом трех красивых женщин) and sits them down on the couch (и усаживает их на диван) and they all chat for a while (и все они болтают какое-то время; a while — промежуток времени). Then Moishe turns (поворачивается) to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"

She immediately (сразу) replies, "The redhead in the middle (рыжая в середине)."

"That's amazing (удивительно) Mum. You're right (ты права = угадала»). How did you know? (как ты узнала)"

"I don't like her (она мне не нравится)."

Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.

Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

His mother agrees.

The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"

She immediately replies, "The redhead in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Just for fun.

That's amazing!

Benjamin rushes (бросается) to his doctor.

"Doctor, you’ve got to give me something (вы должны дать мне что-нибудь) to make me young again (чтобы сделать меня снова молодым). I’ve got a date (у меня свидание) with this beautiful young girl tonight (с этой красивой молодой девушкой сегодня вечером)."

His doctor said, "Hold on a second (подождите, остановитесь /на/ секундочку; to hold — держать), you’re 70 years old (вам 70 лет), there’s really not a lot I can do for you (я действительно не много для вас могу сделать; a lot — множество, много)."

Benjamin replies, "But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am (мой друг Тони намного старше меня: «чем я») and he says he has sex three times a week (а он говорит, что занимается любовью три раза в неделю)."

"OK," says the doctor, "so you say it too! (и вы тоже так говорите)"

Benjamin rushes to his doctor.

"Doctor, you’ve got to give me something to make me young again. I’ve got a date with this beautiful young girl tonight."

His doctor said, "Hold on a second, you’re 70 years old, there’s really not a lot I can do for you."

Benjamin replies, "But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week."

"OK," says the doctor, "so you say it too!"

Hold on a second.

There’s really not a lot I can do for you.

Beckie was dying (умирала) and on her deathbed (и у своего смертного одра), she gave final instructions (она дала последние указания) to her husband (своему супругу) Tony.

"Tony, you’ve been so good to me all these years (ты был так добр ко мне все эти годы). I know you never even thought (я знаю, ты никогда даже не думал /to think-thought-thought/) about another woman (о другой женщине). But now that I’m going (но теперь, когда я ухожу), I want you to marry again (я хочу, чтобы ты женился снова) as soon as possible (как можно скорее) and I want you to give your new wife (чтобы ты отдал твоей новой жене) all my expensive clothes (всю мою дорогую одежду)."

"I can’t do that, darling (я не могу сделать этого, дорогая)," Tony said. "You’re a size (у тебя размер) 16 and she’s only (а у нее только) a 10."

Beckie was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Tony.

"Tony, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes."

"I can’t do that, darling," Tony said. "You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10."

I can’t do that, darling.

Jewish Telegram (еврейская телеграмма)

"Begin worrying (начинай волноваться). Details to follow (подробности потом; to follow — следовать)."

Jewish Telegram

"Begin worrying. Details to follow."

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning (у нас серьезная уборка; heavy — тяжелый) at home tomorrow (дома завтра) for Pesach (на Песах, для праздника Пасхи) and my wife needs me to help with the attic (и моя жена нуждается во мне, чтобы помочь с чердаком = навести порядок на чердаке) and the garage, moving and hauling (/чтобы/ передвигать и таскать: «передвигая и таская»; to haul — тянуть, тащить, волочить) stuff (вещи; stuff — материал; здесь — всякая всячина, вещи)."

"We're short-handed (нам не хватает людей: "мы короткорукие"), Abe," the boss replies (отвечает босс). "I just can't give you the day off (я просто не могу дать тебе выходной)."

"Thanks (спасибо), boss," says Moshe, "I knew I could count on you! (я знал, что могу на вас рассчитывать /to know-knew-known/)"

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Moshe, "I knew I could count on you!"

We're short-handed. I just can't give you the day off.

I knew I could count on you!

Mr. & Mrs. Goldberg had just got married (только что поженились). On their way (по дороге) to their honeymoon (медовый месяц), Mr. Goldberg said to his new wife (сказал своей новой жене), "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune? (ты бы вышла за меня, если бы мой отец не оставил мне состояние /to leave-left-left/)"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter (независимо от того) who (кто) had left you a fortune."

Mr. & Mrs. Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr. Goldberg said to his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

Bud, from Texas (из Техаса), is on holiday in Israel (в отпуске в Израиле) and meets farmer (встречает, знакомится с фермером) Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does (спрашивает, чем тот занимается).

"I raise (развожу: to raise — поднимать; выращивать, разводить) a few chickens (немножко цыплят)," says Shlomo. "I'm also a farmer (я тоже фермер)."

"So am I (я тоже). How much land do you have? (сколько у тебя земли)" asks Bud.

"Fifty meters in front (пятьдесят метров с лицевой стороны), and almost a hundred at the back (и почти сотня сзади)."

Now it was the turn (теперь была очередь) of Shlomo to ask a question (спросить = задать вопрос).

"You’re from Texas, so what about your farm? (так что как насчет твоей фермы = что у тебя за ферма)" asks Shlomo.

Bud tells him (говорит, рассказывает ему), "On my farm, I can drive (на моей ферме, я могу ехать) from morning until sundown (с утра до заката) and not reach the end of my property (и не достичь конца моего владения)."

"That's too bad (плохо дело, не повезло: «это слишком плохо»)," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that (у меня однажды, как-то /тоже/ была такая машина)."

Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.

"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo. "I'm also a farmer."

"So am I. How much land do you have?" asks Bud.

"Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back."

Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.

"You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?" asks Shlomo.

Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."

"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that."

That's too bad.

A rabbi, a priest (священник) and a minister (пастор) are discussing (обсуждают) when life begins (когда начинается жизнь).

The priest says: "In our religion (в нашей религии), life begins at conception (при зачатии)."

The minister says: "We disagree (мы несогласны; I agree — я согласен). We believe that life begins (мы верим, что жизнь начинается) when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb (плод жизнеспособен вне материнской утробы; foetus [?fi:t?s])."

The rabbi responds (отвечает): "You both are wrong (вы оба неправы). In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college (когда дети закончат колледж) and the dog dies (и сдохнет собака)."

A rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.

The priest says: "In our religion, life begins at conception."

The minister says: "We disagree. We believe that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."

The rabbi responds: "You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies."

We disagree.

You both are wrong.

Mrs. Herman from London was visiting (навещала) some friends in Florida when she saw (когда она увидела /to see-saw-seen/) a little old man rocking merrily away (весело покачивающегося) on his front porch (на своем переднем крыльце). He had a lovely smile (у него была приятная улыбка) on his face (на /его/ лице). She just had to go over to him (она просто должна была подойти = не могла не подойти к нему).

"I couldn’t help noticing (не могла не заметить) how happy you look (каким счастливым вы выглядите). I would love (очень хотела бы) to know your secret for a long and happy life (узнать ваш секрет /для/ долгой и счастливой жизни)."

"I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day (я выкуриваю четыре пачки сигарет в день), drink five bottles (выпиваю пять бутылок) of scotch whiskey a week (в неделю), eat lots and lots (ем очень и очень много: «множества и множества») of fatty food (жирной еды; fat — жир) and I never (никогда), I mean (имею в виду = вот уж действительно) never exercise (никогда не упражняюсь = не делаю зарядку, гимнастику)."

"Why, that’s absolutely amazing (совершенно поразительно). I’ve never heard anything like this before (я никогда не слышала ничего подобного: «такое как это раньше»). How old are you? (сколько вам лет)"

"I’m twenty six (26)," he replied.

Mrs. Herman from London was visiting some friends in Florida when she saw a little old man rocking merrily away on his front porch. He had a lovely smile on his face. She just had to go over to him.

"I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life."

"I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day, drink five bottles of scotch whiskey a week, eat lots and lots of fatty food and I never, I mean never exercise."

"Why, that’s absolutely amazing. I’ve never heard anything like this before. How old are you?"

"I’m twenty six," he replied.

I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look.

I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life.

Why, that’s absolutely amazing.

I’ve never heard anything like this before.

How old are you?

Moishe is being indoctrinated (прорабатывается; ему вдалбливается доктрина) by the Russian government (Российским правительством):

Govt. Official (правительственный служащий): "If you had a yacht (если бы у тебя была яхта), what would you do with it? (чтобы ты с ней сделал)"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia (отдал бы Матери-России)."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace (дворец; palace [?p?l?s]), what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater (свитер), what would you do with it?"

No reply (нет ответа).

Government official asks the question again (снова задает: «спрашивает» этот вопрос).

And still (все еще, по-прежнему) no reply.

Finally (наконец) he shouts (выкрикивает): "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater (потому что у меня есть свитер)."

Moishe is being indoctrinated by the Russian government:

Govt. Official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"

No reply.

Government official asks the question again.

And still no reply.

Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."

If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great (школа про$то $упер). I am making lot$ of friend$ (я дружу $о многими: «делаю кучи дру$ей») and $tudying very hard (и учу$ь у$иленно). With all my $tuff ($ моей нагру$кой), I $imply can't think of anything I need (я про$то не могу думать о чем-то, в чем я нуждаю$ь), $o if you would like (и е$ли ты хочешь), you can ju$t $end me a card (ты можешь по$лать мне открытку), a$ I would love to hear from you (так как я хочу получить изве$тие от тебя: «у$лышать от тебя»).

Love ($ любовью),

Your $on (твой $ын)

$hlomo

The Reply (ответ):

Dear Shlomo,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy (я знаю, что астроNOмии, экоNOмики и океаNOграфии) are eNOugh to keep (довольNO, чтобы сделать: «держать, удерживать») even an hoNOr student busy (даже почетNOго студента занятым; honor — честь; honor student — особо хорошо успевающий студент, получающий известную долю независимости /в выборе того, чем ему заниматься/. При этом полагаются на его добросовестность — «честь»). Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge (NO не забудь, что погоня за знанием) is a NOble task (благородNOе дело: «задача»), and you can never study eNOugh (и ты не можешь никогда учиться достаточNO).

Love your father,

NOach

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

$hlomo

The Reply:

Dear Shlomo,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love your father,

NOach

I am making lots of friends.

I am studying very hard.

You can never study enough.

A man walked (один человек пришел: «вошел») into a lawyer's office (в адвокатскую контору) and inquired (спросил, осведомился) about the lawyer's rates (о расценках, сколько берет).

"$50.00 for three questions (за три вопроса)," replied the lawyer (ответил адвокат).

"Isn't that awfully steep? («разве это не ужасно дорого»; steep — высокий, крутой)" asked the man (спросил этот человек).

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question? (а каков ваш третий вопрос)"

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Isn't that awfully steep?

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper (звонит в газету) and asks for the obituary section (отдел некрологов).

The obit guy asks (парень из отдела некрологов спрашивает), "What can I do for you? (что я могу сделать для вас = чем могу помочь»)"

"I'd like to place an obituary (я хотела бы поместить некролог)."

"Awright (= all right — хорошо, ладно: «все в порядке»), how would you like it to read? (как бы вы хотели, чтобы он звучал: «читался»)"

"Irving Cohen died (умер)."

"That's it? (это /все/) Irving Cohen died?"

"That's it."

"But you get four lines in the obit (но у вас четыре строчки для некролога). It's included in the price (это включено в цену)."

"All right. Irving Cohen died… Cadillac for sale (кадиллак на продажу = продается кадиллак)."

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section.

The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to place an obituary."

"Awright, how would you like it to read?"

"Irving Cohen died."

"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"

"That's it."

"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."

"All right. Irving Cohen died… Cadillac for sale."

What can I do for you?

It's included in the price.

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train (старый еврей и молодой еврей едут в поезде).

The young man asks (спрашивает): "Excuse me, what time is it? (извините, который час)" The old man does not answer (старик не отвечает).

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silence (хранит молчание).

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?! (почему вы не отвечаете)"

The old man says: "Son (сынок), the next stop (следующая остановка) is the last on this route (последняя на этом маршруте). I don't know you (я тебя не знаю), so you must be a stranger (значит: «итак» ты, должно быть, не здешний; strange — чужой; странный). If I answer you now (если я тебе сейчас отвечу), I'll have to invite you to my home (мне придется пригласить тебя в мой дом). You're handsome (красивый), and I have a beautiful daughter (а у меня красивая дочь). You will both fall in love (вы оба влюбитесь, полюбите друг друга: «впадете в любовь») and you will want to get married (захотите пожениться). Tell me (скажи мне), why would I need a son-in-law (к чему мне будет такой зять: «зачем я бы нуждался в таком зяте») who can't even afford a watch? (который даже не может позволить себе /купить/ часы)"

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train.

The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silence.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"

The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Excuse me, what time is it?

I can't afford that.

The first Jewish President (первый еврейский президент = первый еврей, ставший американским президентом) calls his mother (звонит своей матери) in Queens (- район Нью-Йорка) and invites her for Chanukah (и приглашает ее на Хануку).

"I'd like to (я бы хотела, я бы с удовольствием)," she says, "but it's so much trouble… (но это такая проблема: «такое беспокойство») First (во-первых), I have to get a cab (мне нужно взять такси) to the airport, and I hate waiting (терпеть не могу ожидание; to hate — ненавидеть) on Queens Boulevard…"

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One! (я пришлю спец. самолет /ВВС/; force — сила)"

"Yes, but when we land (но когда мы приземлимся) I'll still have to carry my luggage (мне все еще = все равно придется нести мой багаж) through (через) the airport… And try to find (попытаться найти) a cab… And you know what holiday crowds are like… (а ты знаешь, что такое: «на что похожи» праздничные толпы)"

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! (у меня будет вертолет, чтобы подобрать тебя) You'll go straight (ты отправишься прямо) from the plane to my front lawn! (с самолета на мою переднюю лужайку = перед домом)"

"I don't know… (не знаю) I'd still need a hotel room (мне все равно будет нужен номер в гостинице). And hotels are so expensive… (так дороги) and they're not like they used to be… (не такие, как были раньше)"

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House! (ты остановишься в Белом Доме)"

"Well…" She thinks. "I guess (я думаю; to guess — угадать, отгадать; /амер./ считать, предполагать), O.K." she sighs (вздыхает), "I'll come… for you (я приеду… ради тебя)."

That afternoon (в тот же день /после полудня/; noon — полдень), she's talking on the phone (она говорит по телефону) with one of her friends (с одной из своих подруг). "What's new? (что нового)" The friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Chanukah (я поеду в гости к сыну на Хануку)."

"The doctor?"

"No… the other one (нет, к другому)."

The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Chanukah.

"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble… First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard…"

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"

"Yes, but when we land I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport… An try to find a cab… And you know what holiday crowds are like…"

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"

"I don't know… I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive… and they're not like they used to be…"

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"

"Well…" She thinks. "I guess. O.K." she sighs, "I'll come… for you."

That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends. "What's new?" The friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Chanukah."

"The doctor?"

"No… the other one."

I'd like to, but it's so much trouble.

And hotels are not like they used to be…

What's new?

Morris comes home to find his wife (приходит домом и застает: «чтобы найти» свою жену), Sadie, crying (плачущей). "I found out (узнала; /to find-found-found — найти/) from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair (что у тебя связь) with that chippy secretary (с той жалкой секретаршей; chippy — зазубренный /о ноже/, обломанный /о посуде/; /амер. жарг./ потаскушка) in your office.

Why would you do that to me? (почему ты так поступил со мной)

Haven't I always been the good wife? (разве я не была всегда хорошей женой) I've cooked for you (готовила для тебя), raised your children (растила твоих детей), and I've always been by your side (и всегда была рядом с тобой) for thirty-five years (в течение 35 лет). What haven't I done to make you happy? (чем ты недоволен: «что я не сделала, чтобы сделать тебя счастливым»)"

Embarrassed (смущенный), Morris confesses (признается), "It's true (это правда), Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for (ты была лучшей женой, на которую мужчина мог бы надеяться). You make me happy in all ways (во всем: «всеми путями = способами») but one (кроме одного). You don't moan (не стонешь) when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! (перестал бы ходить на сторону: «бегать вокруг») All right (хорошо, ладно), come to the bedroom (пройди в спальню) so I can show you (чтобы я могла показать тебе) that I, too, can moan during sex! (что я тоже умею: «могу» стонать во время секса)"

So they retire (итак, они удаляются) to the bedroom, get undressed (раздеваются), and climb between the sheets (забираются в постель: «между простынями»).

As they begin to kiss (когда они начинают целоваться), Sadie asks (спрашивает), "Now, Morris, should I moan now? (ну, сейчас мне стонать: «должна я стонать сейчас»)"

"No, not yet (нет еще)."

Morris begins fondling (ласкать) Sadie.

"What about now? (а сейчас: «как насчет сейчас») Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when (я скажу тебе, когда)."

They begin to make love… (они начинают заниматься любовью)

"Is it time for me to moan (/уже/ время для меня стонать), Morris?"

"Wait (подожди), I'll tell you when."

Moments later (несколько мгновений спустя), in the heat of passion (в пылу страсти), seconds before reaching climax (за несколько секунд до достижения оргазма; to reach — достигать), Morris yells (орет), "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe! (ты не поверишь) what a day I had (ну и денек у меня был сегодня: «какой я имела денек»; to moan — стонать; жаловаться)"

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippy secretary in your office.

Why would you do that to me?

Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for.

You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb between the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No, not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when."

They begin to make love…

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax,

Morris yells, "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

You wouldn't believe what a day I had!

The rabbi and the priest met (рабби и священник встречались /to meet-met-met/) every Sunday at 2 PM in the park (каждое воскресенье в 2 часа после полудня в парке) to talk over the week's event set (побеседовать о «наборе» событий за неделю). They rode their bicycles (они приезжали на велосипедах /to ride-rode-ridden/) to a special bench (скамейка) every Sunday for twenty years (в течение двадцати лет).

One Sunday the rabbi got to bench exactly (прибыл к скамейке точно) at 2 and waited and waited (ждал). An hour went by (прошел час) and the priest was still not there (а священника все не было: «все еще не был там»).

The rabbi rode home (домой) and called the priest on the phone (и позвонил священнику по телефону). "Hey, Father, what happened? (что случилось)" The rabbi asked (спросил). "For twenty years we've met at the park every Sunday, but today you didn't show up (но сегодня ты не появился). What's wrong? (что случилось: «что не так, неверно»)

"Well Rabbi," the priest explained (объяснил), "after church (после церкви) today I went out to get my bike (я вышел взять мой велосипед) to meet you, but my bike was missing (пропал: «был пропавшим, отсутствующим»). I know it must have been (я знаю, это должен был быть) someone in my parish (кто-нибудь в моем приходе) who took it (кто взял его). Rabbi, what should I do? (что мне делать: «что я должен сделать»)"

"Well, that's quite a dilemma (да, это, пожалуй, дилемма), Father." The rabbi said thoughtfully (задумчиво), "I'll tell you what you should do (я скажу тебе, что делать). Next Sunday when you give your sermon (в следующее воскресенье, когда будешь читать: «давать» свою проповедь), speak of the Ten Commandments (поговори о Десяти Заповедях). When you get to the part about (когда дойдешь до места: «части» о) ‘Thou shall not steal’ (не укради), look over your congregation (огляди свою паству), and the person with the guilty look (с виноватым взглядом; guilt — вина) will be the one who stole (будет тот, кто украл /to steal-stole-stolen/) your bicycle."

The following Sunday (в следующее воскресенье) at 2 the rabbi was already waiting for the priest (уже поджидал священника).

Promptly (точно) at 2 up rode the priest on his bike.

"Well Father, my idea must have worked (моя идея, должно быть, сработала)," the rabbi said.

"Well, not quite (ну, не совсем)," the priest intoned (пропел, произнес нараспев, протянул). "I was going through the Ten Commandments as you suggested (я проходил через Десять Заповедей, как ты посоветовал). But when I got to the part about ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ (не прелюбодействуй)," I remembered (вспомнил) where I left (где я оставил /to leave-left-left/) my bike."

The rabbi and the priest met every Sunday at 2 PM in the park to talk over the week's event sat. They rode their bicycles to a special bench every Sunday for twenty years.

One Sunday the rabbi got to bench exactly at 2 and waited and waited. An hour went by and the priest was still not there.

The rabbi rode home and called the priest on the phone. "Hey, Father, what happened?" The rabbi asked. "For twenty years we've met at the park every Sunday, but today you didn't show up. What's wrong?

"Well Rabbi," the priest explained, "after church today I went out to get my bike to meet you, but my bike was missing. I know it must have been someone in my parish who took it. Rabbi, what should I do?"

"Well, that's quite a dilemma, Father." The rabbi said thoughtfully, "I'll tell you what you should do. Next Sunday when you give your sermon, speak of the Ten Commandments. When you get to the part about ‘Thou shall not steal’, look over your congregation, and the person with the guilty look will be the one who stole your bicycle."

The following Sunday at 2 the rabbi was already waiting for the priest.

Promptly at 2 up rode the priest on his bike.

"Well Father, my idea must have worked," the rabbi said.

"Well, not quite," the priest intoned. "I was going through the Ten Commandments as you suggested. But when I got to the part about ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’, I remembered where I left my bike."

What happened?

What's wrong?

What should I do?

Well, my idea must have worked.

Well, not quite.

A carpenter (плотник) in Chelm is fixing the roof (чинит крышу), but as he works (в то время, как он работает, работая), he throws away (отбрасывает) about half the nails (около половины гвоздей). The mayor is passing by (мэр проходит мимо), and asks him why he's wasting so many nails (и спрашивает его, почему он тратит впустую так много гвоздей; to waste — расточать, тратить /впустую/).

The carpenter answers (отвечает), "I take a nail out of the bag (я беру гвоздь из ящика), and if it's facing the roof (и если он лицом = острием к крыше), I use it (я его использую); if it's facing away (если в другую сторону: «прочь»), I know it's defective (я знаю, что он бракованный) and throw it away."

The mayor tells him, "You fool! (дурак) Those are for the other side!! (те для другой стороны)"

A carpenter in Chelm is fixing the roof, but as he works, he throws away about half the nails. The mayor is passing by, and asks him why he's wasting so many nails. The carpenter answers, "I take a nail out of the bag, and if it's facing the roof, I use it; if it's facing away, I know it's defective and throw it away."

The mayor tells him, "You fool! Those are for the other side!!"

You fool!

The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students (и один из его учеников) were spending the night (проводили ночь /to spend-spent-spent — тратить, расходовать; проводить /время/) at the inn (в гостинице). The student asked the servant (попросил слугу) to wake him at dawn (разбудить его на заре) because he was to take an early train (так как ему нужно было попасть на ранний поезд). The servant did so (так и сделал). Not wishing (не желая) to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes (нащупал в темноте свою одежду) and, in his haste (в спешке), he put on (надел) the long rabbinical gabardine (длинный габардин рабби — длиннополый кафтан из грубого сукна). He hurried to the station (поспешил на станцию), and, as he entered the train (когда сел: «вошел» в поезд), he was struck dumb with amazement (онемел от изумления; struck — сражен /to strike-struck-struck/; dumb — немой) as he looked at himself (когда посмотрел на себя) in the compartment mirror (в зеркало купе).

"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily (крикнул сердито). "I asked him to wake me, instead (вместо этого) he went and woke the rabbi! (он пошел и разбудил рабби)"

The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students were spending the night at the inn. The student asked the servant to wake him at dawn because he was to take an early train. The servant did so. Not wishing to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes and, in his haste, he put on the long rabbinical gabardine. He hurried to the station, and, as he entered the train, he was struck dumb with amazement as he looked at himself in the compartment mirror.

"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily. "I asked him to wake me, instead he went and woke the rabbi!"

I was struck dumb with amazement.

The rabbi was fed up (был пресыщен, ему надоела /to feed-fed-fed — кормить, питать) with his congregation (паства). So, he decided to skip the services (итак, поэтому он решил пропустить богослужения) on Yom Kippur, the holiest day (самый священный день) on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf (и вместо этого пойти поиграть в гольф).

Moses (Моисей) was looking down from heaven (смотрел вниз с небес) and saw the rabbi on the golf course (и увидел рабби на гольфовом поле, на гольфовой дорожке /to see-saw-seen/). He naturally (естественно) reported it to God (передал, сообщил это Богу). Moses suggested (предложил) God punish (наказать) the rabbi severely (строго; severely [s??v??l?]).

As he watched (когда он посмотрел), Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game (играющего лучшую игру) he had ever played! (которую он когда-либо играл) The rabbi got a hole-in-one (загнал мяч; hole-in-one — высшее достижение при игре в гольф) on the toughest hole (в самую трудную лунку; tough — тугой, плотный; трудный) on the course. Moses turned to God and asked (повернулся к Богу и спросил), "I thought you were going to punish him (я думал, ты собираешься наказать его /to think-thought-thought/). Do you call this punishment?! (ты называешь это наказанием)"

God replied, "Who can he tell? (кому он может рассказать /об этом/)"

The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.

Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.

As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?!"

God replied, "Who can he tell?"

"If I were Rockefeller (если бы я был Рокфеллером)," sighed (вздохнул) the Hebrew teacher (учитель), "I'd be richer than Rockefeller (я был бы богаче, чем Рокфеллер)."

His friend asked (его друг спросил), "What do you mean? (что ты имеешь в виду) How could you be richer? (как бы ты мог быть богаче)"

"I'd do a little teaching on the side (я бы еще немножко давал уроки побочно = подрабатывал бы уроками; side — сторона, бок)."

"If I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher, "I'd be richer than Rockefeller."

His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"

"I'd do a little teaching on the side."

What do you mean?

The time is the French Revolution (время — Французская революция).

Yossi lived in a small village (жил в маленькой деревне, в местечке) and one day (однажды), his friend Roberto came to see him (его друг Роберто пришел навестить «повидать» его) after returning from a trip to Paris (после возвращения из поездки в Париж).

Yossi asked Roberto what was happening (спросил, что происходит) in Paris as he had heard (поскольку он слышал /to hear-heard-heard/) they were regularly using the Guillotine (/что там/ регулярно пускают в ход: «используют» гильотину).

«Yes, you heard right (ты правильно слышал),” said Roberto, «conditions there are as bad as can be (условия там настолько плохи, насколько возможно: «может быть»). They are chopping off people’s heads in their thousands (отрубают, оттяпывают людские головы тысячами).”

«Oy vay (о, горе — идиш),” moaned (простонал) Yossi, «what ever will happen to my hat business? (что же будет с моим шляпным бизнесом)”

The time is the French Revolution.

Yossi lived in a small village and one day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to Paris.

Yossi asked Roberto what was happening in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.

«Yes, you heard right,” said Roberto, «conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people’s heads in their thousands.”

«Oy vay,” moaned Yossi, «what ever will happen to my hat business?”

Сonditions there are as bad as can be.

One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter (однажды еврейская мама и ее восьмилетняя дочка) were walking along the beach (шли вдоль берега, пляжа), just at the water's edge (прямо у кромки воды). Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up (вдруг гигантская волна нахлынула) on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea (сметя маленькую девочку в море).

"Oh, God," lamented (застонала, жаловалась) the mother, turning her face toward heaven (поворачивая свое лицо к небу) and shaking her fist (потрясая кулаком). "This was my ONLY baby (это был мой единственный ребенок). I can't have more children (я больше не могу иметь детей). She is the love and joy of my life (она любовь и радость моей жизни). I have cherished every day (дорожила, наслаждалась каждым днем; to cherish — лелеять, дорожить) that she's been with me (который она была со мной). Give her back to me (отдай мне ее: «дай обратно, назад»), and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!! (и я буду ходить в синагогу каждый день всю оставшуюся жизнь; rest — остаток)"

Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited (вынесла) the girl back on the sand (на песок).

The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!! (на ней была шляпка)"

One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!"

Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.

The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!"

Give it back to me!

Sadie goes to see her rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби); she complains (жалуется) about her very bad headaches (на очень сильные: «плохие» головные боли). She whines (хнычет), cries (плачет), and talks about her poor living conditions (и говорит о своих жалких жизненных условиях) for hours (часами).

All of a sudden (вдруг, совершенно неожиданно), Sadie shouts (выкрикивает), overjoyed (вне себя от радости; joy — радость), "Rabbi, your holy presence (ваше святое присутствие) has cured me! (излечило меня) My headache is gone! (прошла)"

To which the rabbi replies (на что рабби отвечает), "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now (теперь она у меня)."

Sadie goes to see her rabbi; she complains about her very bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.

All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"

To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."

My headache is gone!

Benny is almost (почти) 32 years old. All his friends are now married (все его друзья теперь женаты), but Benny just dates and dates (только ходит на свидания).

Finally, his friend asks him (наконец, его друг спрашивает его), "What's the matter, Benny? (в чем дело, что происходит) Are you looking for the perfect woman? (ты ищешь совершенную женщину) Are you really that fussy? (ты действительно такой чудак, такой озабоченный; fussy — суетливый, нервный; вычурный, аляповатый; fuss — нервное, беспокойное состояние; суета) Surely you can find someone (наверняка ты можешь найти кого-нибудь) who suits you? (кто тебе подходит)"

"No I just can’t (как раз не могу)," Benny replies. "I meet many nice girls (я встречаю много милых девушек), but as soon as I bring them home (но, как только я привожу их домой) to meet my parents (познакомить: «встретиться» с моими родителями), my mother doesn't like them (моей матери они не нравятся). So I keep on looking! (так что, поэтому продолжаю искать)"

"Listen (послушай)," his friend suggests (предлагает), "why don't you find a girl who's just like your mother? (как твоя мать)"

Many weeks go by (проходят) and again Benny and his friend get together (встречаются: «сходятся вместе»).

"So, have you found the perfect girl yet? (ты уже нашел совершенную девушку /to find-found-found/) One that's just like your mother?"

Benny shrugs his shoulders (пожимает плечами), "Yes, I found one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start (маме она понравилась с самого начала) and they have become good friends (и они стали хорошими друзьями = подружились)."

"So, do I owe (должен /пожелать/) you a Mazel Tov? (счастья — идиш) Are you and this girl engaged? (вы помолвлены)"

"I'm afraid not (к сожалению нет: «боюсь, что нет»). My father can't stand her! (мой отец терпеть ее не может)"

Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married, but Benny just dates and dates.

Finally, his friend asks him, "What's the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"

"No I just can’t," Benny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "why don't you find a girl who's just like your mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.

"So, have you found the perfect girl? One that's just like your mother?"

Benny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start and they have become good friends."

"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"

What's the matter?

Are you really that fussy?

Surely you can find someone who suits you.

So I keep on looking.

They have become good friends.

I'm afraid not.

I can't stand him!

A guy goes into confession (один «парень» идет на исповедь) and says to the priest (и говорит священнику), "Father, I'm 80 years old, married (женат), have four kids (у меня четыре ребенка) and 11 grandchildren (внуков), and last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls (а прошлой ночью у меня было свидание с двумя восемнадцатилетними девушками; affair — связь). I made love with both of them (я занимался любовью с обеими) twice (дважды)."

The priest said: "Well, my son (сын мой), when was the last time you were in confession? (когда последний раз вы были на исповеди)"

"Never Father (никогда, отец), I'm Jewish (я еврей)."

"So then (ну тогда), why are you telling me? (зачем вы мне /это/ рассказываете)"

"I'm telling everybody (/а/ я всем: «каждому» рассказываю)."

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls. I made love with both of them twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

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